can you believe its 2009.. omg this is my last year in my 30's im coming to grips with that.. age doesnt really bother me but the fact that next year is the big 40.. omg.. so it just shows me that i have to make 2009 my year without a doubt!!
ive been MIA basically b/c ive been in hiding.. ya know how a scared bird or dog or cat will cower and hide.. well i do the same thing.. only im more like a kid who did something wrong and hides from their mom or dad.. yea im the one you find under the sink or in the closet way behind the long winter coats.. armed with a bag of oreos, a drink and a flash light.. b/c after awhile the dark gets on my nerves..
basically what im saying is .. ive been eating what i want..doing what i want.. sulking in it and continuing to stuff my face.. oh yea.. continuing to pile it on.. i havent paid attention to how many of those 'snack' size hersey bars i ate in one day.. or how i wasnt even hungry but i was stuffing that cheeseburger and fries in my mouth only to come back to work and eat an ice cream cone and probably more chocolate.. to go home and eat 2 helpings of whatever and 6 or so chocolate chip cookies when everyone else is asleep and not watching me.. yea thats me..eating cookies in the closet.. i figure if no one sees me eat it i didnt really eat it huh??
i have this love hate relationship going with food.. i love it.. it hates me.. i love to eat and savor the tastes of almost any kind of food with the exception of grass clippings sometimes called collards! YUCK!!!! however i dont know when and where to stop.. i will overeat eat so fast that i forgot i ate it and i dont even really enjoy my food only to feel miserable stuffed sick and yet to keep on going..
i guess i figure if i stay in my closet long enough that maybe not only will my skin get whiter and my oreo bag empty but that ill mysteriously overcome and not wanna come out.. only problem is that i dont give up.. i come out refill my bag and my glass and keep on going.. i squint at the sunlight.. look away from the stares and think no one knows why im in there.. but sooner or later i have to come to terms with it..
ya know when people say they have a food addiction so many people laugh and say 'yea right' like food is a drug.. well ya know unless youve walked a mile in my crocs dont laugh at me.. daily i overcome my addiciton and how it controls me.. i read others blogs and others posts and i see how they have overcome yet still struggle.. i see those that look like i want to and im jealous.. i see those that have had surgery and in my head i get mad because im not heavy enough for it.. i know its sick but just like a drug addict will do whatever he or she can to get that next hit .. so will a food addict.. anything and anywhere .. stuff as fast as possible.. then feel guilty as hell and misearble.. then hate yourself some more.. people look at anorexics and feel sorry for them b/c they are skin and bones.. but yet a person with a food addiction that binges.. has the same hate for themselves as that anorexic.. only difference is that person was able to divorce themself from the FOOD (which they are still obsessed with but in a backwards way from me).. and focus on the negative self image enough to destroy it as well.. for me i just hate who i am and what i look like.. and in turn i run to my drug of choice and shoot up once more.. only to hate myself more and hate the roll around my middle section even more.. yet once again i shoot up.. enjoy the high.. roll in the hay and hide in my closet giggling as i lick the icing off the oreo.. then only to shrink out.. my eyes hurting.. my head hurting and my clothes all wrinkled and covred in crumbs to lay down and cry because i hate it.. and then to try to put on clean jeans that dont fit anymore b/c ive visited that closet ONE too many times..
im sick of the fight.. im sick of the battle and im sick of giving into my addiction.. this year is my year to overcome.. to learn to love myself so that my 'drug' cant get me.. to lock that closet door from the outside.. to see the padlock put on it.. to walk past that bag of oreos and chuckle at it.. to say ya know if i want you ill eat you but you NO longer have a hold on me.. to look in my mirror and see the woman staring back and love her.. dark circles, gray hair, drying skin and all.. to love her for who she is.. for the mother she is.. for the wife she is.. for the friend she is.. for the worker she is.. for all that she is to others and to herself! to the woman shes become and to all shes overcome getting there!!!
so join me... follow me and watch me blossom.. b/c you see .. this pansy.. wears a smile on her face.. though alot of times its a smile through the tears and pain.. but its my dream to have that smile be true.. real.. and sincere.. as i watch the tears dry up and the pain subside and i begin to see those gorgeous colors shining through.. for not only the world to see.. but for me to see!!!
so .. 2009.. watch out.. im on my way!!!
