Thursday.. well ive almost made it through another week

well another week is almost done and of course theres always ALWAYS something going on in my life.. last night i was lazy i didnt wanna cook so we got chinese.. i ate a little of lukes chicken and 2 egg rolls omg they were good.. greg is trying his best to cut back on coca cola and therefore im making tea like a mad woman in my house.. my children i swear they think its the best thing since sliced bread! but its ok.. its decaf and they dont know it! LOL

so i did sleep a little better last night however i did hit my freaking snooze button way too many times and i didnt wanna get up this morning..but its a new day..and though i have a headache.. ill be ok.. workin on that first cup of pure absolute heaven.. java.. coffee. the liquid gold! LOL my goal today is to get MORE water in than yesterday and to be more aware of whats in my mouth..

so my sweet mandy never texted me and let me know how the jo bros were.. i wonder if they scooped her up and took her away?? lol.. and well i got the dreaded call last night from the BF's mom.. mandy has been taling about going to the river with J for the longest time and well i have not had the call and well the mom called last night.. i think we are gonna let her go b/c his mom is so much like me.. we are both super over protective and she has already stated.. ill be watching them like a hawk and that he will be sleeping with his dad and she will be in the LR with his mom.. so i know how teenagers are...and well her and i talked about that in detail.. so im stuck.. do i let her go or not? my heart says give the girl a chance.. my head is saying OMG no.. of course her step dad is saying its up to you but .. blah blah blah.. well im supposed to go meet and talk with his mom more and i think im gonna try and let her go.. i know that if i never trust her she will run in the opposite direction..mandy is TOO much like me not to.. we are so much alike in so many ways and i know that shes got just enough rebellion in her that she would sneak vs. being open..and well right now she tells me EVERYTHING.. and i like that and i wanna keep that.. so im gonna have to really pray on this one..

why is parenting so freaking hard?? i swear theres not a manual, book, cd, movie, talk show host, internet blog, or website that can actually help you.. it is all trial and error and i always fear the ERROR!!!

so today i get new tires.. can i tell you that i feel so happy i could scream like a little girl.. i know its ridiculous but i know my car will ride SOO Much better.. yes i have to pay for them and yes that sucks so bad i hate it... but omg the ride is gonna be sooo much better

im supposed to go to South Hill to see my grandma on sat.. im worried and scared and really struggling .. she has refused any supplemental feeding or breathing and has signed a DNR.. i know why.. and i can understand..but at the same time im mad.. i dont wanna lose her.. i know have not been to see her like i should lately. but its because im scared.. i know her health has gone down sooo mcuh since her bypass..and well i hate it.. i want my Nannie E back that i remember.. i want to have the Nannie i woudl sit and talk to forever.. i want that nannie that had that smile that NO one could forget.. i dont want that Nannie in a hospital wasting away and giving up on life.. im bitter and im mad and i dont wanna lose her!

so onward to today.. greg is working seven days and that sucks b/c it means we wont go on the boat again this weekend and im really really sad! :( my tan is fading so freakin fast and i hate it..

so lets hope that today is a better day food wise and thought wise and that one day ill get my head on straight.. im trying so hard and failing so much ..it gets really old.. day after day after day!

ok.. so why?? why ?? why??

so today at lunch i had to take to luke to school.. supposedly his principal needed to talk to him to see if he had any information concerning a 'cheating scandal' during summer school.. now i love my son but i can tell you this hes NOT a cheater.. the boy wants his rifle and pistol to bad to cheat.. cause he knows if he did something like that he would be DEAD.. yep.. deader than dead

so he told the info he had.. but this is what happened to me.. i was dying starvin by the time i got back. i ate a granola bar.. oh not enough.. then i saw that eddye had ice cream.. so what did i do.. i went and got ice cream.. then i drank a bottle of water..then i had a piece of chocolate and what lies on my desk now?? yes a half of a miniature hershey bar.. why?? why ?? why??

see i should have just stopped got myself a chicken sammich from somewhere and been done.. now i have racing thoughts of what can i eat for dinner.. what can i have for a snack and my head freaking hurts..

i hate this shit! somedays the struggle is SOO Not worth it!

one thing done......

i just got the call from the mediator and our custody/parenting agreement papers will be signed next week.. so finally its settled and i can sleep peacefully knowing that my kids are WITH me!!!!!!!!!!

ok.. so what is today anyway??

ya know you are gettin old when you wake up and think.. omg what is TODAY?? lmao! well thats the way my days have been going.. so yesterday i woke up to a flat tire.. had to drive gregs match box car to work.. went home he had to plug the tire..then we had to go get the kids.. they were at their Granny's for the day.. then head back home.. however it was very nice to get home cook dinner and have NO where to go!!! i got clothes washed, dishes washed, bible study done..

so today my raging wild teenage girl is headed to see the Jonas Bros .. she is about to die with excitement however that excitement did not seem to cross her face when at 7 this am i was tellin her it was time to get up.. i was like its the big day..and she just kinda moaned and rolled over ..it was at this point that i realized unless Joe Jonas himself showed up in that room it was not gonna be an exciting morning.. finally they rolled out of bed and we headed out..

so its 9 am and ive already .. gotten gas, got them breakie, started to work, drank coffee, arranged to get tires tomorrow. and well i think its time for a break.. hence why im HERE! LOL

so who here is like me and has the 'im so tired i could die.. but my damn body wont fall asleep' syndrome? well thats me .. every single freaking night i get in bed.. i start watching damn George Lopez.. which i must add is a freaking hilarious show..if you never watch..catch it on Nick at Night at 10 & 1030.. (this is a NON paid advertisement lmao).. I GOT THIS!!!!!!!!! u have to watch the show to udnerstand.. so i play brickbreaker on the crackphone.. i smoke a cigarette.. i try to clear my mind.. empty my brain.. and BAM im wide the heck awake???!!! what is up with that?? i swear to you im not a real night owl.. im an old lady who gets tired as heck .. but soon as i hit the bed. in all its warmness and snuggleness.. im WIDE awake.. and dare i move.. cause my hubby would be very upset.. he has this thing that we need to always sleep in the same room! LOL (ok he loves me). so my brain starts to humming a million miles per hour.. i think about the clothes in the dryer, what time i need to get up, are the alarms set, what am i gonna cook for dinner, what do i have to do at work tomorrow, is the cat fed, are the sheets clean, is that a cricket i hear chirping outside, is there gonna be coffee in the morning, how fast can i lose 50 lbs, how i need to exercise, what am i gonna wear tomorrow, what shoes will match that, do i need to iron it, what needs cleaning, what needs putting away, are the kids packed for tomorrow, ......... and thats only a SMALL portion of my thoughts.. so tell me how do you cut the brain off? how do you make this stupid non stop race of life in my head go away?.. any tips.. cause if i count sheep all im gonna do is start naming those little suckers before long and omg.. we will be having conversations about the weather and what events are coming up and if we could have this or that for dinner this week..

its sad.. i swear to you .. maybe i need to keep a note book by my bed and take notes.. i swear in my head before i go to sleep i could accomplish MORE than a million tasks.. right from the comfort of my nice snuggly bed..too bad i dont have that magic samantha nose that i could wiggle and get it all done while its on my mind..

the even sadder part is.. i think all these things while im attempting to go to sleep ,.. but come the morning hell i cant find my keys.. much less think about what im gonna do! LOL.

on another note.. i am attempting to get my mind wrapped around how you really succeed at weight loss. for me weight has always been a struggle whether i was skinny or chubby or even fat.. its been a struggle.. food and what i am or am not gonna eat is usually always on my mind.. the guilt that comes with eating more than i should is always there.. the guilt that i should have exercised is always there.. the thoughts of what is and is not allowed is always there.. the fear of the binge is always there.. the deep rooted sick thoughts of GOD i wish i was just anorexic so i didnt have to eat.. struggling with body image and weight is probably the hardest thing ever.. i envy people who are comfortable in their own skin.. who can put on an outfit and feel good instead of constantly worrying about how big their butt looks or if their huge ass bat wings are flying.. i would love to not obsess over the massive dark circles i have (which comes form all that OVER freaking thinking at night..).. so im taking a different approach this time.. instead of concentrating on which diet im gonna follow or what i can and cannot eat.. im just THINKING about what i eat and why im eating it.. and how i can improve.. im taking a break and really considering AM i HUNGRY? or DO I JUST LIKE THE WAY THAT TASTES?? i mean really for those that do not have a food addiction you do not realize that just the way a certain food FEELS in your mouth is a good enough reason to eat it.. im slowing down in the way i eat.. i eat so fast that at times im not even sure i taste my food.. its a habit and im trying to break it..im doing smaller portions.. like instead of a plate a bowl or a salad plate.. im waiting before eating seconds.. im really considering.. what is the real reason i want this.. im drinking more water.. yesterday i also bought a new tea pitcher (mine was all leaky and nasty) and i made tea for the family (decaff) and im gonna try very hard to wean my hubby off his coca cola addiction.. i know its sweet tea..but its got less sugar than coke in it! .. my kids love soft drinks and they are not good for you.. so im trying.. gettin some of that caffenine out of their diet.. and im doing the same.. i have a huge coffee addiction as well.. that for themoment is NOT being worked on.. lol.. but im gonna take a different look at my life and really think about things instead of jumping and doing them..

im also gonna start finding at least ONE thing i like on myself daily.. i dont care if its my earlobe is looking awful hot today.. ONE thing is gonna be good! im gonna stop downing myself in front of my kids and be more aware of the words i use to describe myself..

well work is calling my name.. and i know this wasnt funny or cute or anything..but its whats on my mind..and

what the voices are saying today!

ok any reason why ...

people think its funny or cute or even fun to make calls to people that are OBSCENE??? ok back history about 3 mos ago i started gettin obscene calls.. i mean at first i thought oh its a kid.. well they would call alot in one day then i wouldnt hear a word.. well it went away so i thought ok dumbass teenager got bored.. it was always a mans voice and he would try to like talk all into the phone and so his voice would be all messed up ..but it was a young voice. .finally one day i told them off and they stopped..

well yesterday i get another one.. and im not talking cute funny shit im talking nasty sexual stuff.. i hang up .. they called about 4 times and stopped.. i of course LOVE the iggy button on my crackberry..

so today they call again i answer very softly .. and i hear music playing and i just sit there..then a LADY's voice says hello.. so i say hello thinking ok..maybe this is someone who knows me.. and they are NASTY!..

ya know im so glad im wanted and needed and lusted after but i think its just nasty

so its a private number dont know if they are blockin it or if its really private.. call the cell company they cant do SHIT without a JUDGE ordering it to be unlocked.. and they only hold that info for about 2 weeks.. then its gone.. well what the HELL???

so im stuck..either change my number or tell them off again.. but iknow telling them off they will just laugh like the little pricks they are..

ya know it must be a pretty sad day in someones life when they have nothing better to do than harrass someone else.

go get a damn JOB!

ok.. so im wanted needed and things need to be done to me obviously..but STOP CALLING ME!!

and on a happy note..ive been good foodwise today and water.. 2 bottles down and only 2 1/2 cups of coffee! (well they are BIG cups...)

but i need tires.. so $*#$@*&... ya know when they invent everlasting oil, tires, gas and cars.. and disposable clothes ill be so happy!!!

back to work!

hmmm.. so i had this thought

so last night as i run around my house tripping over stuff and totally freaking out over all that really needs to be done.. i decided in my head that i would set up a blog site.. well its something ive wanted to do for awhile but i figure that nothing i have to say would really be very interesting to anyone.. but then again.. do i need to have anythign to say for anyone else to read anyway?? no its for me..

ya see im an over thinker..yes im a list maker.. im a heart breaker.. lmao.. gosh pat benatar got in my head for a moment.. seriously.. i suffer from adult add im more than sure and i think about everythign all the time...and at this moment in my life i have SOO many things on my mind i gotta get it out..

for most of my life ive struggled with my weight..even when i was skinny i thought i was fat and would exercise like a mad woman.. not eat then over eat.. pick and eat in silence and in secret.. i loved the taste of food and i loved eating.. im sure it comes from a time in my life when i didnt have much.. however when i was younger i guess i ran it all off and didnt really struggle b/c for sure what i thought was FAT and UGLY .. boy was i MISTAKEN! LOL.. after i had Luke i got the weight off then slowly it crept back..not alot but it crept..then i had mandy.. got it off some but not alot..but after haley all hell broke loose..

in 2003-2005 i lost almost all of it and was happy as a pig in a puddle of mud! yep that was me.. wallowing around.. gettin all muddy and dirty and enjoying the coolness of that mud.. loving how my skin felt .. loving how the hot rays of the sun couldnt burn me anymore..but like that piggy i was still looking for that next meal.. and well got happy fell in love and guess what?? oh yea .. gained 25 lbs back.. the only thing is i hate it.. i hate it worse than when i had 75 lbs to lose..and its a constant struggle.. my body could stay where im at right now forever and i hate it..

i despise lookin in the mirror.. i hate trying on clothes.. i try to buy things that will cover me up ..hide me and keep in invisible.. i find myself lookin at bland boring stuff instead of what who i really am.. loud and bright and noticable.. i struggle daily with the depression of hating who ive become and lettin it rule my life.. i feel as though my day is one guilty pleasure then feeling after another.. i have lost sight of the REAL reason to even become healthy!

ive lost that loving feeling.. ooooooo.. that loving feeling... ive lost that loving feeling .. now its gone .. gone .. gone.... ooooo...oooo... yea i feel like ive lost part of me.. and i want it back..

and thats my motivation for this blog... to get those feelings out that i supress those feelings that the WORLD thinks is totally 100% bonkers and to just let it roll..

writing is good for the soul and i used to do it all the time.. i had a journal i kept..and ive always bewen the queen of letter writing.. if in doubt.. ask my mom or dad! LOL.. or better yet.. ask my husband.. i express myself better in words on "paper" than out of my mouth!

so beware.. sometimes it may seem silly.. sometimes it may seem sad.. sometimes it may seem happy.. but i promise you.. that if you read and if i continue.. you too will be saying.. what are the voices saying today???