hmmm.. so i had this thought

so last night as i run around my house tripping over stuff and totally freaking out over all that really needs to be done.. i decided in my head that i would set up a blog site.. well its something ive wanted to do for awhile but i figure that nothing i have to say would really be very interesting to anyone.. but then again.. do i need to have anythign to say for anyone else to read anyway?? no its for me..

ya see im an over thinker..yes im a list maker.. im a heart breaker.. lmao.. gosh pat benatar got in my head for a moment.. seriously.. i suffer from adult add im more than sure and i think about everythign all the time...and at this moment in my life i have SOO many things on my mind i gotta get it out..

for most of my life ive struggled with my weight..even when i was skinny i thought i was fat and would exercise like a mad woman.. not eat then over eat.. pick and eat in silence and in secret.. i loved the taste of food and i loved eating.. im sure it comes from a time in my life when i didnt have much.. however when i was younger i guess i ran it all off and didnt really struggle b/c for sure what i thought was FAT and UGLY .. boy was i MISTAKEN! LOL.. after i had Luke i got the weight off then slowly it crept back..not alot but it crept..then i had mandy.. got it off some but not alot..but after haley all hell broke loose..

in 2003-2005 i lost almost all of it and was happy as a pig in a puddle of mud! yep that was me.. wallowing around.. gettin all muddy and dirty and enjoying the coolness of that mud.. loving how my skin felt .. loving how the hot rays of the sun couldnt burn me anymore..but like that piggy i was still looking for that next meal.. and well got happy fell in love and guess what?? oh yea .. gained 25 lbs back.. the only thing is i hate it.. i hate it worse than when i had 75 lbs to lose..and its a constant struggle.. my body could stay where im at right now forever and i hate it..

i despise lookin in the mirror.. i hate trying on clothes.. i try to buy things that will cover me up ..hide me and keep in invisible.. i find myself lookin at bland boring stuff instead of what who i really am.. loud and bright and noticable.. i struggle daily with the depression of hating who ive become and lettin it rule my life.. i feel as though my day is one guilty pleasure then feeling after another.. i have lost sight of the REAL reason to even become healthy!

ive lost that loving feeling.. ooooooo.. that loving feeling... ive lost that loving feeling .. now its gone .. gone .. gone.... ooooo...oooo... yea i feel like ive lost part of me.. and i want it back..

and thats my motivation for this blog... to get those feelings out that i supress those feelings that the WORLD thinks is totally 100% bonkers and to just let it roll..

writing is good for the soul and i used to do it all the time.. i had a journal i kept..and ive always bewen the queen of letter writing.. if in doubt.. ask my mom or dad! LOL.. or better yet.. ask my husband.. i express myself better in words on "paper" than out of my mouth!

so beware.. sometimes it may seem silly.. sometimes it may seem sad.. sometimes it may seem happy.. but i promise you.. that if you read and if i continue.. you too will be saying.. what are the voices saying today???