well i turned 40 this year.. have i lost the weight, the wrinkles, toned the body, organized my closets, cleaned out all the junk.... NO.. but the good news is im still alive...
so much is going on in my life its really even hard to get a grasp on it all.. i was reminded the other day by a friend who told me i was on their heart that am and she was praying for me.. how hard this year has been.. 2010 has NOT been an easy one.. no it hasnt..
ive had surgery (hysterectomy); i was in an accident totalling my car; my house was robbed; my husband was laid off; my husband started school full time; my son graduated from high school & got a job, his license and a car; my youngest started middle school; my middle child started a new school; Mandy needs another knee surgery; Haley is living with her dad and going to school in Greenville, NC for a better opportunity; i started working a PT job at Harris Teeter; im going to be a Grammi; and my full time job has never slowed down for one second..
i am overwhelmed with fear of the unknown and how to handle it all.. i am such a control freak that i just do everything b/c i know it gets done that way however i cannot continue to do that.. i have to let go and let my kids grow up .. its not easy for me..
with the whirlwind of a year.. i have grown very close to God and im drawing on HIS love and grace to keep me focused.. i know that hes been pulling me closer for awhile now and i know that he is the answer to the questions and fears i have.. but its not easy.. the natural fear for a mother is to worry about her children and their future.. the natural way things work is to want to have a happy healthy safe home.. all of those things have been disrupted for me this year.. the robbery has caused so much pain and hurt .. our things gone.. no insurance.. our security violated.. my baby afraid to stay with me b/c shes afraid of it happening again.. the fact that it caused stress in our life both monetarily and physically.. my health has not been the best.. mandys hasnt been the best.. and now we are faced with more mountains to climb.. i know that at the top of every mountain we get to go downhill into a beautiful valley.. but im telling you this mountain must reach to outer space and beyond.. b/c i swear ive been climbing it my whole life..
im tired.. im tired of having to fight for every single second of happiness and ease in my life.. i truly thought that i would one day not have to fight so hard.. i see so many people that i went to school with and see the smiles and the laughter .. i see them traveling, going, providing with and for their families.. i see how young and vibrant they look.. i see them surrounded by friends.. and i look at my life and i wonder .. what did i do wrong? am i not a loving caring giving person? i know that i am.. however it seems that for every single good thing in my life i have had to fight tooth and nail and struggle.. and im tired.. just plain tired.. my body is tired, my mind is tired and my spirit is weary.. i know that God's Grace is sufficient for me.. however i just want some of that bestowed on me now so i can feel it..
i know that if not for his Grace and mercies .. i would be falling apart in a puddle and i would get NOTHING done.. so i know.. (that and well good meds).. but sometimes.. i just wonder Lord why me? how come i couldnt make really really good money so i never have to wonder if ill ever go on vacation again; how come i cant live in a house big enough for all of us and not have to figure out HOW the heck we are all gonna fit; how come i have to work 2 jobs and spend all my free time trying to catch up on sleep; how come i couldnt just make enough money to send all my kids to private school without the worry of how?; how come i cant have a husband not affected by the economy; how come i cant turn back time and make things easier for Mandy; how come i cant take away the inner fear from haley that has stemmed from 2 robberies in her life within a year; how do i teach Luke to grow and mature when hes had no "true" example for most of his life; how can i spend more time with my family when i have no time; how come i cant go and hang out with my mom & dad and brother and just enjoy life; why do my nephews have to live so far and i have no time or money to go see them; how come i dont have this overly involved relationship with my dad; how do i pay for braces for my daughter when i barely have money to cover my medical expenses now?
i ponder so many things.. and yet i know im blessed.. i know that i have SOOO much to be thankful for and i am .. i truly am.. but i just wonder sometimes.. why me? what did i do to deserve a life of trials and tribulations? what can i do to turn it around when i continue to try to?..
i know that Job cried out to God and said that he wished he had never been born.. and yet even when it got worse.. he said.. that he would continue to praise God no matter what.. im trying so hard to follow Job and realize that .. Even though he slay me.. Yet i will praise him..
so if you feel like it.. maybe just say a prayer for my plate to get a little lighter..
1 comment:
saying that prayer..
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