im gonna wish it was a bottle and not the whining im feeling like doing.. i feel like my world is crumbling around me.. i cant concentrate.. i cant remember things.. im not sleeping.. my nerves are making me break out in hives.. my eyes hurt, my head hurts, my heart hurts.. i feel like im in a constant set of turmoil.. i have no ambition to do anything.. i go through the motions of life but i dont wanna do any of it.. i dont wanna go to the gym so i dont.. i dont wanna eat right so i dont.. i dont wanna go anywhere so i dont.. i dont wanna clean up or cook so i half ass it..
i know that God is taking care of me and he has a plan and a purpose but right now i wanna SCREAM to the top of my lungs.. IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU COULD GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE INSIGHT ON WHAT THAT PLAN IS!~!~!
i feel lost and adrift with no end in sight.. i wanna take away the pain and confusion from Mandy's life.. i wanna make things easier for Haley .. i want Luke to grow up and know what he wants in life..
most of all right now i want mandy to stop hurting.. its breaking my heart that every day her life is in turmoil.. she desperately wants her exbf back and i cant fix it.. she wants him in her life and there for her.. and though he says "ill be there" we all know he wont be there the way she wants him to be .. if he will be at all.. its as though i wanna shout to everyone.. DO YOU NOT REALIZE HOW MUCH SHE IS GOING THROUGH?? can you not have just a tiny bit of compassion and put YOURSELF on the BACK burner for one freaking day?? i feel like ive given up my entire life right with her.. that now my whole world revolves around is she OK, what can i do, will she be happy today, how can i MAKE her leave josh alone..
i tell her you cant make someone love you.. believe you me i KNOW this.. i lived it for so many years when i was young just like her.. i chased a dream that was never to be.. i chased and wanted that dream for many years after it was gone.. but God had a different plan..and i see that now and im blessed that he sent Greg to me.. but i hate that shes following right in my footsteps.. desperate to have a boy..desperate to keep his love...holding on for dear life to a dream that is probably not ever going to happen.. it hurts me so badly.. i wanna take away all that hurt and pain and make it better but i cant.. i try so hard to be compassionate and thoughtful and insightful but what i wanna do is shake her and say WAKE THE "F" UP??? open your eyes.. DO YOU REALLY WANT SOMEONE WHO DOES THE THINGS HES DOING TO BE WITH YOU?? i know that God has someone who will love Mandy for all she is and all she will be.. i know she has issues to work through heck we all do .. and she has anger issues and that scares me b/c i had them too.. shes hurt and mad and she just wants someone anyone to understand how she feels.. and she wants HIM to feel it.. when truth is.. he may NEVER feel it.. b/c he doesnt want to and he may not be capable of feeling it..
i just hate her wanting someone so badly and them just turning their back on her.. especially with all she is going through right now..
i wanna smack him and say wake up stupid.. but at the same time.. i am NOT one to judge him.. he lives his life how he wants to and he answers to God NOT to me..he does need to remember this.. your sin will ALWAYS find you.. what you do in the dark will always come in the light and you do truly REAP what you SOW..
i am finding that out b/c i havent done a lot of good sowing.. ive done quite a bit of bad sowing.. and now im reaping.. my fields arent all that great.. they are hard tedious work.. they are strenuous and hurting.. they make me more tired than rewarded.. they make my body hurt and my heart ache.. i do hope that if i continue i will see a better reaping in the end..
so.. thats my WHINE for the day.. and yes i would like some cheese with it and if you like you may play the violin right along.. b/c im tired.. mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.. im tired.. :(
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