yep.. im depressed

so i woke up this am and realized that I'm a fat a$$ yes.. my friends i am.. don't try to sugar coat it.. I've let myself get out of what i was doing so well and i have let the junk food junkies come in and take over.. i shall overcome though.. no fear.. PANSY is here..

i hate the constant fight for feeling like I'm okay in my skin.. i hate the constant fight that age is taking over and I'm gonna be a fat ugly wrinkled old woman one day.. i do not wanna be that.. i wanna be young forever.. ugh!!!

so .. i have succumb to the fact that I MUST get myself back on the track and get myself back on square one.. i know i have to start back at the beginning but now is the best time to do it.. get myself back on the way of the right.. before Christmas and the holidays and things getting more hectic.. i must also get back to the gym.. so i have informed Greg that tomorrow i shall be visiting the wonderful Planet Fitness (as well as cancelling my kids memberships b/c they don't go.. and i can save 20 freaking dollars a month!).. so i guess it will be like starting over.. but i know it will be worth it..

i shall also be making out my grocery list to get those things i need when I'm low carbing.. those snacks that keep me on the up and up.. i shall still probably do some whole grain pastas.. but just not as much.. so looks Ike i should have bought some of those eggs last week when everyone else was purchasing them.. but oh well.. i do have turkey bacon i got for free.. lmao!!!

so watch out.. I'm sure to be crabby... sore and not a real nice person for about a week.. but i gotta do what i gotta do.. and it starts today..

NO Doritos at work.. NO twix at work.. NO cookies at work...i can buy broccoli salad instead of potato salad.. i can get a slim jim instead of a twix.. i can buy some pork rinds instead of Doritos.. i can get me some pepperoni sticks that are on my vic.. pair it with a nice cheese string and boy oh boy.. i gots a snack! :) .. so seems i need to buy some meat.. b/c yes i shall be eating meat.. and i have tons of veggies in the freezer from all those meal deals.. and maybe ill check into this weeks meal deal since its chicken..

so pray for me.. and support me.. and help me.. b/c i feel like POOP and i know its b/c I'm eating like POOP.. my sugars are out of control and well i need to set a better example!

i know this blog sucked.. but oh well.. i guess that's why i have it to vent right?

Thursday.. Veterens Day

I am very thankful for all the vets out there .. without you .. i would not live in the way i do!



so.. its thursday.. i dont even know who got kicked off survivor last night b/c i didnt stay awake long enough.. can i tell you that i am completely WORN out.. geez.. all this working is kciking my bootay! i so need the extra money though so itll be worth it..



mandy scared the beejeebuz out of me monday and passed out in the bathroom.. dr said low bp and low blood sugar.. still scared her mom to pieces!!!! she is ok now..



work is busy as heck and im getting ready to close out september.. trying to be more caught up.. but i have a 1000 things to do.. and i dont wanna do any of them.. i have a hard time concentrating and keeping focused.. geez add is just wonderful!



other than that all is well .. i miss my family like crazy and i am dying to go see my mom at her house and see my brother, sister & niece.. i need it..



thanksgiving is almost here.. gotta go buy ingredients for that.. we are going to Greg's granny's for thanksgiving.. im looking forward to spending some time with his family..



i need to take a list of days to ask off for at harris teeter for the holidays.. that should be fun!



so let me get back to work.. just thought id update you.. nothing special but didnt wanna just leave ya hanging!

FRIDAY AT LAST!!!!!!

not that it really matters b/c i have to work all freaking weekend.. 7-330 both sat and sun.. but i will be happy when i get the paycheck right??

well did some grocery shopping last night.. spent $42 saved $70 not bad.. i do have one more trip to make and it looks like ill spend just around $13 and save about $28.. gotta love super double coupons.. it was nice to finally work back up front last night.. lately they put me at the express register way on the other side of the store in no man's land and i have NO one to talk to or feel like im connected with makes time SOO SLOW!!!

so tonight we are going to eat a friends.. havent seen them since July 4th.. seems thats the way my life is.. ever since July 4th its been a busy and hectic time thats for sure.. lets see since then:
1. my house was robbed
2. my son got a job
3. my husband started school full time
4. haley began middle school
5. haley changed schools and now is going in Greenville with her dad
6. mandy moved back home
7. had to buy 4 brand new tires for luke
8. our alarm was activated one day
9. found out mandy's cartilidge is all torn up in her knee again... but surgery is postponed
10. mandy and her bf broke up
11. found out that im gonna be a grandma
12. i got a second job working at Harris Teeter as a cashier
13. I turned 40.. ugh!
14. Ive been to memphis to visit Alena
15. Ive lost 35 lbs
16. ive gained about 5-7 back
17. my coworker was going through alot of struggles but seems to have improved
18. my meds got changed.. and i had to adjust
19. my cats still fight every day
20. my niece started preschool

some of those things are good.. some arent.. some are overwhelming and some are work throughable.. (*yes that is a word)..

im trying day by day to make it and day by day to see God's goodness in every situation..

today.. im resting on his word..

Psalm 46:10.. "Be STILL and KNOW I am GOD! I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted among all the earth!"

yes im gonna WHINE.. and

im gonna wish it was a bottle and not the whining im feeling like doing.. i feel like my world is crumbling around me.. i cant concentrate.. i cant remember things.. im not sleeping.. my nerves are making me break out in hives.. my eyes hurt, my head hurts, my heart hurts.. i feel like im in a constant set of turmoil.. i have no ambition to do anything.. i go through the motions of life but i dont wanna do any of it.. i dont wanna go to the gym so i dont.. i dont wanna eat right so i dont.. i dont wanna go anywhere so i dont.. i dont wanna clean up or cook so i half ass it..

i know that God is taking care of me and he has a plan and a purpose but right now i wanna SCREAM to the top of my lungs.. IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU COULD GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE INSIGHT ON WHAT THAT PLAN IS!~!~!

i feel lost and adrift with no end in sight.. i wanna take away the pain and confusion from Mandy's life.. i wanna make things easier for Haley .. i want Luke to grow up and know what he wants in life..

most of all right now i want mandy to stop hurting.. its breaking my heart that every day her life is in turmoil.. she desperately wants her exbf back and i cant fix it.. she wants him in her life and there for her.. and though he says "ill be there" we all know he wont be there the way she wants him to be .. if he will be at all.. its as though i wanna shout to everyone.. DO YOU NOT REALIZE HOW MUCH SHE IS GOING THROUGH?? can you not have just a tiny bit of compassion and put YOURSELF on the BACK burner for one freaking day?? i feel like ive given up my entire life right with her.. that now my whole world revolves around is she OK, what can i do, will she be happy today, how can i MAKE her leave josh alone..

i tell her you cant make someone love you.. believe you me i KNOW this.. i lived it for so many years when i was young just like her.. i chased a dream that was never to be.. i chased and wanted that dream for many years after it was gone.. but God had a different plan..and i see that now and im blessed that he sent Greg to me.. but i hate that shes following right in my footsteps.. desperate to have a boy..desperate to keep his love...holding on for dear life to a dream that is probably not ever going to happen.. it hurts me so badly.. i wanna take away all that hurt and pain and make it better but i cant.. i try so hard to be compassionate and thoughtful and insightful but what i wanna do is shake her and say WAKE THE "F" UP??? open your eyes.. DO YOU REALLY WANT SOMEONE WHO DOES THE THINGS HES DOING TO BE WITH YOU?? i know that God has someone who will love Mandy for all she is and all she will be.. i know she has issues to work through heck we all do .. and she has anger issues and that scares me b/c i had them too.. shes hurt and mad and she just wants someone anyone to understand how she feels.. and she wants HIM to feel it.. when truth is.. he may NEVER feel it.. b/c he doesnt want to and he may not be capable of feeling it..

i just hate her wanting someone so badly and them just turning their back on her.. especially with all she is going through right now..

i wanna smack him and say wake up stupid.. but at the same time.. i am NOT one to judge him.. he lives his life how he wants to and he answers to God NOT to me..he does need to remember this.. your sin will ALWAYS find you.. what you do in the dark will always come in the light and you do truly REAP what you SOW..

i am finding that out b/c i havent done a lot of good sowing.. ive done quite a bit of bad sowing.. and now im reaping.. my fields arent all that great.. they are hard tedious work.. they are strenuous and hurting.. they make me more tired than rewarded.. they make my body hurt and my heart ache.. i do hope that if i continue i will see a better reaping in the end..

so.. thats my WHINE for the day.. and yes i would like some cheese with it and if you like you may play the violin right along.. b/c im tired.. mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.. im tired.. :(

wednesday..

so today is supposed to be "hump" day..which means we are going down hill to the weekend.. well i have to work all weekend.. so that sucks.. and we have been invited to go eat at a friends on friday and i cant get blasted drunk unless i get someone to work for me.. and they way things have been going lately .. i swear i need it!

other than that.. im an emotional wreck for someone reason.. i cant concentrate and im overwhelmed.. nothing seems to make sense to me anymore and im having hard time.. who knows.. maybe my plate is just a little full? ya think..

on the diet note if i dont get back to low carbing soon.. i may become known as the creature from the black lagoon. or the BLOB!

ok off to get more work done

i dont even know where to start...

well i turned 40 this year.. have i lost the weight, the wrinkles, toned the body, organized my closets, cleaned out all the junk.... NO.. but the good news is im still alive...

so much is going on in my life its really even hard to get a grasp on it all.. i was reminded the other day by a friend who told me i was on their heart that am and she was praying for me.. how hard this year has been.. 2010 has NOT been an easy one.. no it hasnt..

ive had surgery (hysterectomy); i was in an accident totalling my car; my house was robbed; my husband was laid off; my husband started school full time; my son graduated from high school & got a job, his license and a car; my youngest started middle school; my middle child started a new school; Mandy needs another knee surgery; Haley is living with her dad and going to school in Greenville, NC for a better opportunity; i started working a PT job at Harris Teeter; im going to be a Grammi; and my full time job has never slowed down for one second..

i am overwhelmed with fear of the unknown and how to handle it all.. i am such a control freak that i just do everything b/c i know it gets done that way however i cannot continue to do that.. i have to let go and let my kids grow up .. its not easy for me..

with the whirlwind of a year.. i have grown very close to God and im drawing on HIS love and grace to keep me focused.. i know that hes been pulling me closer for awhile now and i know that he is the answer to the questions and fears i have.. but its not easy.. the natural fear for a mother is to worry about her children and their future.. the natural way things work is to want to have a happy healthy safe home.. all of those things have been disrupted for me this year.. the robbery has caused so much pain and hurt .. our things gone.. no insurance.. our security violated.. my baby afraid to stay with me b/c shes afraid of it happening again.. the fact that it caused stress in our life both monetarily and physically.. my health has not been the best.. mandys hasnt been the best.. and now we are faced with more mountains to climb.. i know that at the top of every mountain we get to go downhill into a beautiful valley.. but im telling you this mountain must reach to outer space and beyond.. b/c i swear ive been climbing it my whole life..

im tired.. im tired of having to fight for every single second of happiness and ease in my life.. i truly thought that i would one day not have to fight so hard.. i see so many people that i went to school with and see the smiles and the laughter .. i see them traveling, going, providing with and for their families.. i see how young and vibrant they look.. i see them surrounded by friends.. and i look at my life and i wonder .. what did i do wrong? am i not a loving caring giving person? i know that i am.. however it seems that for every single good thing in my life i have had to fight tooth and nail and struggle.. and im tired.. just plain tired.. my body is tired, my mind is tired and my spirit is weary.. i know that God's Grace is sufficient for me.. however i just want some of that bestowed on me now so i can feel it..

i know that if not for his Grace and mercies .. i would be falling apart in a puddle and i would get NOTHING done.. so i know.. (that and well good meds).. but sometimes.. i just wonder Lord why me? how come i couldnt make really really good money so i never have to wonder if ill ever go on vacation again; how come i cant live in a house big enough for all of us and not have to figure out HOW the heck we are all gonna fit; how come i have to work 2 jobs and spend all my free time trying to catch up on sleep; how come i couldnt just make enough money to send all my kids to private school without the worry of how?; how come i cant have a husband not affected by the economy; how come i cant turn back time and make things easier for Mandy; how come i cant take away the inner fear from haley that has stemmed from 2 robberies in her life within a year; how do i teach Luke to grow and mature when hes had no "true" example for most of his life; how can i spend more time with my family when i have no time; how come i cant go and hang out with my mom & dad and brother and just enjoy life; why do my nephews have to live so far and i have no time or money to go see them; how come i dont have this overly involved relationship with my dad; how do i pay for braces for my daughter when i barely have money to cover my medical expenses now?

i ponder so many things.. and yet i know im blessed.. i know that i have SOOO much to be thankful for and i am .. i truly am.. but i just wonder sometimes.. why me? what did i do to deserve a life of trials and tribulations? what can i do to turn it around when i continue to try to?..

i know that Job cried out to God and said that he wished he had never been born.. and yet even when it got worse.. he said.. that he would continue to praise God no matter what.. im trying so hard to follow Job and realize that .. Even though he slay me.. Yet i will praise him..

so if you feel like it.. maybe just say a prayer for my plate to get a little lighter..

in my closet.......

can you believe its 2009.. omg this is my last year in my 30's im coming to grips with that.. age doesnt really bother me but the fact that next year is the big 40.. omg.. so it just shows me that i have to make 2009 my year without a doubt!!

ive been MIA basically b/c ive been in hiding.. ya know how a scared bird or dog or cat will cower and hide.. well i do the same thing.. only im more like a kid who did something wrong and hides from their mom or dad.. yea im the one you find under the sink or in the closet way behind the long winter coats.. armed with a bag of oreos, a drink and a flash light.. b/c after awhile the dark gets on my nerves..

basically what im saying is .. ive been eating what i want..doing what i want.. sulking in it and continuing to stuff my face.. oh yea.. continuing to pile it on.. i havent paid attention to how many of those 'snack' size hersey bars i ate in one day.. or how i wasnt even hungry but i was stuffing that cheeseburger and fries in my mouth only to come back to work and eat an ice cream cone and probably more chocolate.. to go home and eat 2 helpings of whatever and 6 or so chocolate chip cookies when everyone else is asleep and not watching me.. yea thats me..eating cookies in the closet.. i figure if no one sees me eat it i didnt really eat it huh??

i have this love hate relationship going with food.. i love it.. it hates me.. i love to eat and savor the tastes of almost any kind of food with the exception of grass clippings sometimes called collards! YUCK!!!! however i dont know when and where to stop.. i will overeat eat so fast that i forgot i ate it and i dont even really enjoy my food only to feel miserable stuffed sick and yet to keep on going..

i guess i figure if i stay in my closet long enough that maybe not only will my skin get whiter and my oreo bag empty but that ill mysteriously overcome and not wanna come out.. only problem is that i dont give up.. i come out refill my bag and my glass and keep on going.. i squint at the sunlight.. look away from the stares and think no one knows why im in there.. but sooner or later i have to come to terms with it..

ya know when people say they have a food addiction so many people laugh and say 'yea right' like food is a drug.. well ya know unless youve walked a mile in my crocs dont laugh at me.. daily i overcome my addiciton and how it controls me.. i read others blogs and others posts and i see how they have overcome yet still struggle.. i see those that look like i want to and im jealous.. i see those that have had surgery and in my head i get mad because im not heavy enough for it.. i know its sick but just like a drug addict will do whatever he or she can to get that next hit .. so will a food addict.. anything and anywhere .. stuff as fast as possible.. then feel guilty as hell and misearble.. then hate yourself some more.. people look at anorexics and feel sorry for them b/c they are skin and bones.. but yet a person with a food addiction that binges.. has the same hate for themselves as that anorexic.. only difference is that person was able to divorce themself from the FOOD (which they are still obsessed with but in a backwards way from me).. and focus on the negative self image enough to destroy it as well.. for me i just hate who i am and what i look like.. and in turn i run to my drug of choice and shoot up once more.. only to hate myself more and hate the roll around my middle section even more.. yet once again i shoot up.. enjoy the high.. roll in the hay and hide in my closet giggling as i lick the icing off the oreo.. then only to shrink out.. my eyes hurting.. my head hurting and my clothes all wrinkled and covred in crumbs to lay down and cry because i hate it.. and then to try to put on clean jeans that dont fit anymore b/c ive visited that closet ONE too many times..

im sick of the fight.. im sick of the battle and im sick of giving into my addiction.. this year is my year to overcome.. to learn to love myself so that my 'drug' cant get me.. to lock that closet door from the outside.. to see the padlock put on it.. to walk past that bag of oreos and chuckle at it.. to say ya know if i want you ill eat you but you NO longer have a hold on me.. to look in my mirror and see the woman staring back and love her.. dark circles, gray hair, drying skin and all.. to love her for who she is.. for the mother she is.. for the wife she is.. for the friend she is.. for the worker she is.. for all that she is to others and to herself! to the woman shes become and to all shes overcome getting there!!!

so join me... follow me and watch me blossom.. b/c you see .. this pansy.. wears a smile on her face.. though alot of times its a smile through the tears and pain.. but its my dream to have that smile be true.. real.. and sincere.. as i watch the tears dry up and the pain subside and i begin to see those gorgeous colors shining through.. for not only the world to see.. but for me to see!!!

so .. 2009.. watch out.. im on my way!!!