well my morning started out like CRAPOLA!!! we are so freaking dry here and i have ANTS.. omg i have a HUGE bug phobia/creep out thing and they are driving me nuts.. we have the poison out and basicallyit attracts them so you see more of them for a day or so and its making me bonkers.. i feel like a nasty dirty disgusting person.. i know im not b/c im rather OCD over cleaning..but omg.. yuck yuck yuck.. greg is gettin the stuff for outside today and luke is raking up pine straw to clear a path and we are treating outside and using home defense inside tonight..i cannot take it!!!
so after feelin like i have ants all over me.. i came to work.. i have so much to do but im taking a minute to do this!
today i go and sign the parenting agreement and hopefully all will finally be settled in that area.. its a relief as well as a continual struggle as i worry about the kids so much.. they really have been through so much and i realize that part of it is my fault and im trying so hard to make it up and to talk to them..but they are hurt.. and they are sad..and theres NOTHING i can do about it and i hate it.. they are such awesome and amazing kids!!! im blessed to have them..
so i woke up this morning just like every morning wishing i had 30 more minutes of sleep but i also woke up saying YES today is gonna be the day.. leigh (mycoworker) and i continue to say every monday that today is the day.. but in reality today is THE DAY for me.. i swear to you when i eat badly i feel bad! my body aches, my clothes dont fit, my depression is worse, my anxiety is worse.. i hate it.. so i said this am.. im waking up fixing some boiled eggs.. ill have salad for lunch.. its gonna work for me.. ive done this so many times.. i know low carb like the backside of my hand.. i know what to do and what not to do i know how to work around going out and eating out and going to eat at other peoples houses.. i know how to work it.. i just have NOT been working it.. so today is my new start.. im so sick of feeling like the fat pudgy kid .. im tired of lookin in the mirror and all i see is a fat rolly polly.. i realize im 38 (OMG THAT IS OLD) but dammit i dont have to look it.. im so determined to do something.. i also realize that i have to exercise but i know that the biggest part right now is eating better.. stopping the cycle.. cuttin it off and gettin SUGAR out of my diet.. sugar is the death of me.. it makes my joints ache, my hands swell, it affects my depression, it affects how i sleep and what i feel like.. im just tired.. i realize that ive done it before and i remember that total high feeling i got from LOVING what i saw in the mirror.. from feeling good in my clothes.. from being able to shop for cute stuff.. i wanna make my husband know hes got the hottest wife around.. i want my kids to be proud to go out with me..
i know they all love me now and always will but its how i love myself right now.. and right now theres NOT alot of love there.. i hate it.. i hate how i feel i hate how i look .. i hate my round face and my pudgy belly and my big butt.. i hate the fat in my hands and in my feet.. i hate it all.. and i gotta get through that to break this cycle of destruction.. i have to!!!
so thats it today..the voices are saying.. JUMP ON THAT HORSE AND RIDE !!!! you can do it.. dont be afraid dont be scared dont look back... look onward to the goal.. see the bright side.. watch the sunrise and know that the warmth on your face is real and worth it!!!
so ill be back lettin you know how it freaking goes! LOL
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