August.. is here.....WOW!!!

omg can you believe that its AUGUST?? i surely cant.. my birthday came and went and now summer is ticking away..its almost unbelievable.. i swear i cannot believe over half this year is GONE! i am vowing to myself to make the rest of this year worthy.. and to live it better than i did the first half of the year..we shall see how that comes to pass.. lmao!

well last night i ate the MOST scrumpdelicious tomato sammich in the world.. my dad brought me some maters last weekend and i swear i could live off tomato sammiches!!! how in the world can something so simple taste so good!!! while i ate a sandwich my daughter (the 9 yr old) decided to show me she could cook grilled cheeses all by herself.. i was so proud yet so sad b/c it just shows that she is growing up more and more every single day! however i snapped a pic of her last night laying on my side that just showed me that she is still my little baby!

so this weekend is gonna be a difficult one.. im going to see my Nannie E and im not looking forward to it.. she is doing very poorly and im not sure how much longer she will be in this world.. i am having to make myself do it but i dont want to.. i realize that she is not the same Nannie i remember and that i so badly dont wanna remember her like this.. but i know i must have the peace within myself to go and do it .. Mandy is going to the river with her bf and family .. im struggling with that and i had the big ole long horrible talk with her about sex and sexual things and how her pureness is important and once its gone its GONE she was just all GROSS mama i know about that and weve talked i do NOT want anyone to touch me there.. omg mama that is just wrong.. NO .. besides i would kick the crap outta him and run.. so that gave me a little comfort.. however im still just sad.. i know that greg is against it and therefore will make my life hell all weekend.. ive asked that he not.. he is so strict she would be 35 before she ever left the house.. who knows.. parenting should not be so hard.. you are damned if you do and damned if you dont.. i also informed her that trust is something that once its broken takes forever to repair..and this is a once in a lifetime chance.. however i will say that J's parents both T & J are very much like me and are over protective and watchful and that is a good thing!

so on the eating front i was doing really really good until those damn teddy grahams jumped in my mouth and attacked me last night.. i tried hard to fight against them i even crushed them into little pieced and chewed them up.. only i didnt spit them out.. i ate them.. :( i do so good all day and then BLAME one thing can throw me down a hill and make me roll forever.. ill get up so dirty and sore and sad that i will look at that mountain and think ill never ever be able to get to the top again.. it totally sucks.. i hate it.. i hate that my constant battle and struggle in life is the fact that i obsess over food.. eat the wrong things.. eat at the wrong times. dont exercise enough and yet despise how i look and feel.. its total backwards life.. you would think that i would have enough motivation to get my ass in gear and fix the things that i dont like about myself.. ya know if you lived in a house where you hated the curtains every day.. eventually you would get up tear those suckers down and put up ones you like.. but for me.. its like i sit on the couch look at hte curtains think about how much i hate them.. talk about how much i hate them.. walk by them and just grimace.. look at them again.. obsess over how much they dont match anything.. how they are old looking... frumpy looking.. dirty looking.. need replacing.. yet i spray febreeze on them and vacuum them and make sure they stay straight.. its like an idiot walking a dead dog.. ya know all hes doing is causing himself pain and the world to look at him like hes a total freak..

thats what i feel like at times.. a freak.. i dont like the skin i have to walk around in.. i dont like the fact that im fat and chubby and not looking good.. i feel like i have a tiny head and a huge body attached..YET i do nothing about it..every singleday of my life i wake up with the attitude that today will be different.. today i will be on track today i will eat better today i will go for a walk.. today i will love myself.. but what it ends up being is today i feel like shit so hell eat that damn chocolate anyway.. who the hell cares.. you will always be nothing and you will always look tired and worn out and frazzled and you will always be fat so screw it!.. then i eat the chocolate and it tastes so good i have another.. then i sit and say why the hell did i eat the chocolate you dummy you will NEVER ever get your life on target and you will never ever be able to be right if you dont stop.. then i beat myself up over what i ate..

its a vicious cycle that never ends and its always playing in my mind.. i realize that people with a heroine or meth addiction probably do the same thing.. they hate what they do yet they do it anyway..

why is it that bulemics and anorexics get so much publicity that the way they live is so horrible and how they are so twisted and suffering so badly.. when there are those of us that live in our fat skin and live in our puffy bodies that struggle just as much..the only difference is they either purge out what they hate.. refuse what they hate.. and what we do is just live in hell all the time!

i know this is not a pretty blog or a funny one or even easy to read im sure.. its probably left you thinking DAMN that is one MESSED up chica!!!

however its my solitude.. its my rest.. its the place i can get out what in my head.. and i need it.. i am hoping that release will lead to healing and in the end..

what the voices are saying today..............................will improve!