in my closet.......

can you believe its 2009.. omg this is my last year in my 30's im coming to grips with that.. age doesnt really bother me but the fact that next year is the big 40.. omg.. so it just shows me that i have to make 2009 my year without a doubt!!

ive been MIA basically b/c ive been in hiding.. ya know how a scared bird or dog or cat will cower and hide.. well i do the same thing.. only im more like a kid who did something wrong and hides from their mom or dad.. yea im the one you find under the sink or in the closet way behind the long winter coats.. armed with a bag of oreos, a drink and a flash light.. b/c after awhile the dark gets on my nerves..

basically what im saying is .. ive been eating what i want..doing what i want.. sulking in it and continuing to stuff my face.. oh yea.. continuing to pile it on.. i havent paid attention to how many of those 'snack' size hersey bars i ate in one day.. or how i wasnt even hungry but i was stuffing that cheeseburger and fries in my mouth only to come back to work and eat an ice cream cone and probably more chocolate.. to go home and eat 2 helpings of whatever and 6 or so chocolate chip cookies when everyone else is asleep and not watching me.. yea thats me..eating cookies in the closet.. i figure if no one sees me eat it i didnt really eat it huh??

i have this love hate relationship going with food.. i love it.. it hates me.. i love to eat and savor the tastes of almost any kind of food with the exception of grass clippings sometimes called collards! YUCK!!!! however i dont know when and where to stop.. i will overeat eat so fast that i forgot i ate it and i dont even really enjoy my food only to feel miserable stuffed sick and yet to keep on going..

i guess i figure if i stay in my closet long enough that maybe not only will my skin get whiter and my oreo bag empty but that ill mysteriously overcome and not wanna come out.. only problem is that i dont give up.. i come out refill my bag and my glass and keep on going.. i squint at the sunlight.. look away from the stares and think no one knows why im in there.. but sooner or later i have to come to terms with it..

ya know when people say they have a food addiction so many people laugh and say 'yea right' like food is a drug.. well ya know unless youve walked a mile in my crocs dont laugh at me.. daily i overcome my addiciton and how it controls me.. i read others blogs and others posts and i see how they have overcome yet still struggle.. i see those that look like i want to and im jealous.. i see those that have had surgery and in my head i get mad because im not heavy enough for it.. i know its sick but just like a drug addict will do whatever he or she can to get that next hit .. so will a food addict.. anything and anywhere .. stuff as fast as possible.. then feel guilty as hell and misearble.. then hate yourself some more.. people look at anorexics and feel sorry for them b/c they are skin and bones.. but yet a person with a food addiction that binges.. has the same hate for themselves as that anorexic.. only difference is that person was able to divorce themself from the FOOD (which they are still obsessed with but in a backwards way from me).. and focus on the negative self image enough to destroy it as well.. for me i just hate who i am and what i look like.. and in turn i run to my drug of choice and shoot up once more.. only to hate myself more and hate the roll around my middle section even more.. yet once again i shoot up.. enjoy the high.. roll in the hay and hide in my closet giggling as i lick the icing off the oreo.. then only to shrink out.. my eyes hurting.. my head hurting and my clothes all wrinkled and covred in crumbs to lay down and cry because i hate it.. and then to try to put on clean jeans that dont fit anymore b/c ive visited that closet ONE too many times..

im sick of the fight.. im sick of the battle and im sick of giving into my addiction.. this year is my year to overcome.. to learn to love myself so that my 'drug' cant get me.. to lock that closet door from the outside.. to see the padlock put on it.. to walk past that bag of oreos and chuckle at it.. to say ya know if i want you ill eat you but you NO longer have a hold on me.. to look in my mirror and see the woman staring back and love her.. dark circles, gray hair, drying skin and all.. to love her for who she is.. for the mother she is.. for the wife she is.. for the friend she is.. for the worker she is.. for all that she is to others and to herself! to the woman shes become and to all shes overcome getting there!!!

so join me... follow me and watch me blossom.. b/c you see .. this pansy.. wears a smile on her face.. though alot of times its a smile through the tears and pain.. but its my dream to have that smile be true.. real.. and sincere.. as i watch the tears dry up and the pain subside and i begin to see those gorgeous colors shining through.. for not only the world to see.. but for me to see!!!

so .. 2009.. watch out.. im on my way!!!

sorry ive been MIA

wow where do i begin.. sorry ive been MIA but man. lots of changes going on around here.. for one all the kids have started school and boy homework and gettin up in the morning going to bed earlier.. wow.. its a change to get used to.. my boss, Leigh has decided to go home and be with her children and therefore ive been promoted to a new position.. needless to say along with that comes MUCH more responsibility and im loving it .but its kinda like OMG i hope i dont mess up.. so now im training someone to do some of what i used to do.. im trying to keep up with what i still do and i need to learn what i will be doing along with learning all the new stuff the new girl is doing so i can appear to be smart to her.. lmao!!!

home life has been good lately and though at times its quite hectic its good.. i love those kids more and more everyday and its nearly impossible to realize that my heart can grow any more for them then BAM i realize that im the luckiest mom in the world.. i have an incredible husband who aggravates the shit out of me at times..but has been there through and through and is always behind me i seriously wonder why in the hell he puts up with me..but it must be cause he loves me.. there can really be NO other reason..

the kids are at the beach with their dad this week..needless to say i stressed over that BIG time.. but its ok.. i worry about them leaving to be with him for a week and not wanting to come back home..but i know they will.. i miss them soo much but i have enjoyed my time with greg..we have laughed and talked and basically not done too much..

yesterday i didnt even shower all day long but we did make 32 jars of jam and jelly! im excited to eat some and cannot wait to try it.. we made sugar free and regular blackberry jam which is my ABSOLUTE favorite and we made sf and regular grape jelly.. we also made some white grape jelly and next i think we are gonna try some orange marmalade.. i also got a hook up for some pears so i think pear perserves are in our future! it was fun and it was work but i really did enjoy making it..

also we got totally hooked on a new show this weekend.. i got the first 4 seasons of Weeds to watch .. its a showtime show and we dont have showtime so i had never seen it but i heard about it..well we started watching friday night.. we were up til midnight and then sat up til after 11 and last night til after 10 we even took a break from jam to watch a few episodes.. needless to say we are contemplating gettin showtime so we can tape it and watch it the new season! how bad is that.. but i have to say the show is incredible.. not somethign to watch with the kids but omg so good!!!

also sat we went and i got my 45 back from the gun smith.. he worked on my trigger and smoothed out my slide.. wow what a dream.. however when i shot it the first time.. man it scared the beegeebs out of me.. needless to say going from a 7+ pound trigger to what we found out was a 2.5 pound trigger was a HUGE difference.. but i was tearing up the target.. we are gettin ready to start reloading our own 45's and i cant wait b/c we will load them a bit lighter to shoot competition with and literally i ate the bullseye up when i shot it with the lighter loads that JD had.. so i cant wait.. i hope today that greg will get my new grips on for me and we can go practice some more this week while the kids are gone..

also today is day one of the diet.. yea i know ive posted before about how i was doing good and making it..w ell i fudged up.. yep thats me.. miss cookie lady.. WHY do i buy chocolate chip cookies?? huh?? i just love the taste of them and i eat entirely TOO many.. so they are all gone now and therefore i know i cant eat them and i wont buy anymore.. so .. today is as good as any.. ive told my friends and greg to stay on me HARD>. i have 2 weeks to get my act together and prove to myself and my dr that i can do this.. my goal is to drop at least 8 lbs.. and im gonna do it.. if i have to drink coffee all the time.. lmao! no ill eat but its gonna be MUCH healthier..

so im workin on labor day and i took a break to post this.. i really need to get my butt back to work and do my thing..

as far as the voices.. not too sure what all they have been saying lately.. ive been ignornign them and stuffing their sound down with chocolate chip cookies.. so maybe now that they are all gone.. ill listen! LOL

Finally Finally Finally .........Friday!!!!!!!!!

sorry i havent been around.. not like anyone reads anyway..s o maybe im just apologizing to myself.. yes.. self.. im sorry i havent blogged much.. its ok..self.. i understand..you have a had a very very busy week..and well sometimes its hard to step away from work and do what you need to do.. so please.. self.. catch us up.. ok..self ill be glad to..

so.. tuesday i went to the dr.. and i love my dr.. we sat and talked and discussed and bascially he .. ok girl.. this is the deal.. if you wanna lose weight you need to cut calories, walk daily and watch what you eat.. avoid anything white (well except my hubby.. hes calorie and fat free lol).. he said i want you back in a month and if you havent lost and YOU REALLY MADE AN EFFORT and did some changing.. we will dig a little further otherwise.. we will see what happens and see if you feel better once you get ur butt to moving and eating better and ridding your body of all that CRAP you have eaten off and on.. then he gently reminded me that pizza has a BREAD crust and that it should be avoided at all costs! omg i wanted to cry.. lmao!!!

so.. ive walked 2 days so far.. last night was IDPA so we went to shoot so i didnt walk b/c thats a hectic night of running to get the kids.. running to get them fed.. running to get the guns out and ready (though i did it the night before and got the range bag all ready). then running to the range and up late b/c Greg was off today and therefore we went out to eat after shooting.. i was proud of myself and shot rather good.. nto great but i did get a compliment from one of the long timers .. the guy that shoots ALOT of IDPA.. he said who taught you to shoot? i said my hubby why? he said well im not sure that he showed you that stance.. but you have TEXTBOOK perfect shooting stance.. its very obvious that you handle that gun very well.. just work up the strength in your wrists and keep practicing you are doing great! that made me feel so good!!!

then we all went for mexican.. and i was SUPER DOOPER proud of me.... i didnt order dinner.. cause i had eaten before we went to shoot.. i only ate about 5 chips.. and usually i eat the whole basket.. i did eat a couple bites of luke's chicken.. but thats it.. i was soo happy with me!!! i resisted temptation and DID NOT GIVE IN!!!

i have as of this morning lost 4 lbs and i know its probalby all fluid but i dont care.. im already feeling better and drinking more water.. eating healthier and staying on track..thats the biggest thing.. im not following any 'persay' diet.. i am just eating smaller portions.. healthy foods, low calories, high fiber.. drinking plenty of water.. limiting my caffenine to my morning coffee .. im just determined that i have to learn to make choices and make good ones while im doing it!

so tonight we take the kids to Meme's house.. they are soo excited to be going they are gonna be there til monday .. greg was supposed to work but they had a breakdown so hes off.. its the first time in OMG i have NO idea when.. probably april when we took our anniversary trip that we have been alone on the weekend.. tomorrow night we are going to the Boston/Styx concert with G & M.. and we are eating at their house and hanging out afterwards. .i cant wait!!!! gotta hit the ABC store.. i told greg i wanted some patron..lmao.. i may end up with casadores.. or if hes really in a bad mood.. jose.. lmao!

anyway.. things are looking up for me.. i finally feel as though im turning a corner nad gettin a little bit ahead.. my office manager who love so much, Leigh, announced that she is leaving and going home to be with her daughter.. she will be working part time from home to supplement her income.. but the good news is she felt very strongly that i could do her job! well its back into what i really love the accounting end of the work.. im gonna keep all the HR functions..but i will be taking care of more of the financial stuff. and if i prove myself it will be more money!!! my boss was so nice and told me he had all the confidence that i could do it and was very comfortable with moving me into that position!..

well the kids are with greg today and poor mandy is already upset.. he woke her up and shes tired.. lord i am NOT ready for school to start next week.. i think im gonna have to sedate that child to get her to sleep!!! but Greg is taking my gun to get the trigger done.. and im so excited!!!! i cant wait to shoot it with the trigger lightened up and the creep gone!! maybe ill do better lmao!!

ok work needs to get done!!! hope everyone has a safe and awesome weekend!!!

well its EL DIA DE HUMP!

i swear i remember to this day the way my spanish teacher in high school would say that.. i can hear her voice and see her face when she would do it.. i never forget it!

ive had a pretty good week so far.. busy but good.. lets see tuesday went to the dr..and well bascially just let him know how i feel how i try so hard to lose weight and i have no success and i how i feel like crapola alot.. well he has given me 30 days to eat better and start exercising before he digs and probes to see if something else is going on.. so i have my 30 days .. my chance to get this damn thing GOING! and well i have a renewed sense of wanting it.. its like omg i can PROVE to him i can do this.. i have to PROVE to him i can.. and i have to show myself that Pansy you are WORTH it!!!

so last night i walked and my plans are to walk again tonight and every single day as long as i can and try to up my time out every couple days.. i have to do it!!

sat is the concert and i take the kids to my moms on friday.. im stoked!! i cannot believe i will have 3 nights with NO kids..well without the 3 kids in the house.. its gonna be so different and ill be SOO Freakin LOST! im gonna be ready for them to come home but i do plan on taking this time and just trying to kick back and RELAX!!! try to enjoy the time with NO one to do anythign for but me (and of course poor gregory)

we shoot tomorrow night and well luke is already raggin me big time about out shooting me.. some good vibes would be nice.. please let the gods of the bullets rain down on me and have all mine hit the targets in the RIGHT places.. lmao!

well let me go back to working.. i may have some GOOD news very very soon.. that ill share with you!! ... so keep checking in and finding out what the voices are saying..

and of course asking me if i walked today.. waht have i eatn.. am i doing what im supposed to.. do i have water in my hand.. blahblahblahblahblah!! LOL

its definately a monday...

so i woke up this am and got on the scale.. my FIRST mistake.. shoulda just thrown that damn thing out the freaking window a LONG time ago.. yes i did eat some ice cream last night.. YES i did have a massive headache that went away after eatin said ice cream.. NO freaking way that would cause me to gain damn 3.5 lbs over night.. i give up!!! im so flipping sick of the battle and so flipping tired of the ups and downs..

i am however going to see the dr tomorrow and im gonna just flat out beg for him to do some further tests on me.. my PA told me last year that i would need to just DEAL WITH IT.. learn to LIVE with the way i feel and be ok.. i think shes CRAZY!!!.. its not fair that i feel like crapola 99% of the time.. i never ever ever EVER get enough rest and i walk around with dark circles that people would think that i forgot HOW to sleep! my head hurst.. im exhausted.. i cant think straight.. im depressed.. i cant lose this damn weight!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!

my anxiety is so much better i know b/c i do however function in life vs. falling apart and i know that its because of the lexapro.. it was a wonder drug for me.. but yet i still feel like crud.. i reallythought that once the anxiety was gone that i would start to feel like a million bucks.. but where is it at?? about about 999,999 short! i mean not to say that i feel so bad i cant function but its hard.. when i come home at night i literally have no energy at all..its all i can do to get up and get ready in the morning.. i am worried about how i will be once school starts and i have to leave about an hour earlier..

who knows.. its just gettin old and im gettin tired of being sick and tired..

this weekend is supposed to be good the weather is supposed to be nice and we dont have the kids all weekend.. im gonna feel so lost! we are going to see Boston and Styx with some friends..and i am looking forward to it.. and i know the kids are so excited about going to see their meme and papa .. and of course Uncle Cam Katie and Hayden!

well let me get back to the drudges of payroll .. i may pop back in later.. my mind is not in a good place and i really cant put my finger on it.. i know that ive been stressed out with all the custody stuff and with buying school supplies and figuring out how im gonna do it.. i know God continues to take care of me and im blessed by that! .. but i am so miserable with myself and im so miserable with my weight.. its just hard right now!!!

so the voices are doing alot of whispering behind my back.. and im asking them to stop!

so its thursday..

and today im a stressed out mess.. i hate feeling like things are out of my control!!! i am trying to get insurance on the kids they are sayin theres an open case in nash county..but theres NOT .. b/c we did not choose to pay the premiums.. i have to prove i have physical custody.. i havent gotten the papers in the mail.. mandy needs another book for school .. i still have school supplies to buy.. they need shoes.. gotta try and get those tonight.. i am about to freaking scream my head off b/c im stressed out to NO end and i just need a vacation..

i still need to take mandy to the school to sign papers.. havent heard a thing from haley's school yet dont know who her teacher is.. still need to apply for reassignment.. im absolutely STRESSED!!

i need calgon to do MORE than take me away.. i would love a nice long bubble bath with a nice cold beer.. and time alone with NO interuptions.. none.. not even from the dang cat!

i know next weekend the kids are going to their meme's and they are so excited to be going and greg and i will have time together.. i know he will be working some but it will benice to just be able to do some bonding.. last night we just sat and talked for the longest time it was nice to talk about the future and what are plans are and what he sees for our family..it made me feel good..

so i need a dressser for the girls room and i think about that.. i need to hit some yard sales big TIME! but dang i never get out of the bed early enough nor do i get a paper to find out where they are! LMAO!

i am going tonight to get shoes for the kids for school haley needs tennis shoes and the other ones need sperrys for school.. so we are off to the mall tonight.. im gonna pick up pizza for them afterwards..and we will head home.. tomorrow is their BIG chore day at home.. so i know they will hate it.. i told them though that if they are NOT done this week.. ALL the chores.. they will be grounded all weekend.. i am still gonna try to talk greg into lettin us go to the movies.. maybe as a family outing.. we will see .. he may end up working all weekend so i dont know..

and of course.. no word from bill on when and if he will see the kids .. and they are really affected by this.. they want to see their dad and be a part of his life so bad.. i realize that he is having a rough patch right now but at the same time.. they need him.. even if only to go sit at the park and talk..but he just doesnt see it..

it would be nice if greg was off sunday we got the boat fixed and we could go out on it..

and on the weight front.. ive lost 3 lbs.. i guess its a start.. i do however go to talk to the dr on the 12th.. im gonna ask once again about possible thyroid issues as i have SOO many of the symptoms and yet NO one will do the FULL test for me! maybe he will.. im also gonna talk to him about diet and nutrition and how its SOOO hard for me to lose now.. and how i try and try but dont have any success.. its quite depressing.. however maybe he will help me to figure out whats going on.. i have my water in hand.. had my oatmeal for breakie and im planning out what im doing for lunch.. i probably will be runnin around to try and find shoes for haley!

so thats it for today.. yes im just a little stressed out booger but im making it.. ill be ok..

dammit...

thats been my word today.. i have felt like shouting it off the roof tops.. i swear its been busy as hell around here.. im iller than a snake.. i would like to go crawl in my bed and never ever get out for any reason whatsoever.. sugar withdrawal sucks ass..

my dear hubs is probably mad as hell at me b/c i emailed him to day and basically let him have it.. im sick and tired of always ending up being BLAMED for everything that happens.. i never do anything fast enough or clear enough or good enough or explain somethign enough or move it enough.. im just tired of it.. im doing all i freaking can and i cant do NO MORE!!!

im stressed out.. all this school shopping has me in a tizzy and im ready for it to be over.. the kids are CONSTANTLY asking when they are gonna get this or that.. and im trying as hard as i can..bill gives me no monetary help with anything.. and im just stressed beyond repair.. im so ready for it all to just miraculously come to an end.. maybe i do need to start playing the lotto!

who knows.. i hate feeling so stressed out and worked up and like this.. my haley bug is not having an easy time and thats bothering me alot.. a WHOLE lot..

then i get a call that they have a birthday party to go to tomorrow night and well of course i gotta go find a gift.. that should be fun.. hmmm.. i say a card with a happy birthday on the inside! cause im telling you this bank is tapped out..

i have however stayed away from sugar for 2 days.. the fact of course that the scales NEVER ever move for me.. but i am withdrawing i know b/c im ready to kill someone..

pray for sleep tonight.. pray for peaceful uninterupted sleep.. and pray that i hear the alarm clock.. i need my nasty attitude to be taken away.. i need to realize how thankful i should be for all the wonderful blessing i ahve in my life.. but right now im in the i feel like shit and i wanna crawl in a corner and cry mode.. i know its not a good place to be and i know i will eventuallyget out of it..

i know my husband loves me .. for goodness sakes i surely hope that yall dont think any different and hes so very very good to me.. anything i need i know i can ask and its done.. never a question.. never a pause.. i know that im taking care of .. i dont question that at all.. for me the biggest thing is just feeling appreciated for all i do.. i wanna feel like they see that i work my ass off night and day to make sure that everyone is ok.. instead of feeling like a door mat that just gets walked over daily .. one that they are thankful catches the dirt from coming in side but one that is forgotten so quickly and discarded to the side..

well time to go home for the day.. another day down.. another one to do tomorrow!!!

and right now i simply cant type what the voices are saying..because they are yelling too damn loud in my ear..

DAMMIT!