wow where do i begin.. sorry ive been MIA but man. lots of changes going on around here.. for one all the kids have started school and boy homework and gettin up in the morning going to bed earlier.. wow.. its a change to get used to.. my boss, Leigh has decided to go home and be with her children and therefore ive been promoted to a new position.. needless to say along with that comes MUCH more responsibility and im loving it .but its kinda like OMG i hope i dont mess up.. so now im training someone to do some of what i used to do.. im trying to keep up with what i still do and i need to learn what i will be doing along with learning all the new stuff the new girl is doing so i can appear to be smart to her.. lmao!!!
home life has been good lately and though at times its quite hectic its good.. i love those kids more and more everyday and its nearly impossible to realize that my heart can grow any more for them then BAM i realize that im the luckiest mom in the world.. i have an incredible husband who aggravates the shit out of me at times..but has been there through and through and is always behind me i seriously wonder why in the hell he puts up with me..but it must be cause he loves me.. there can really be NO other reason..
the kids are at the beach with their dad this week..needless to say i stressed over that BIG time.. but its ok.. i worry about them leaving to be with him for a week and not wanting to come back home..but i know they will.. i miss them soo much but i have enjoyed my time with greg..we have laughed and talked and basically not done too much..
yesterday i didnt even shower all day long but we did make 32 jars of jam and jelly! im excited to eat some and cannot wait to try it.. we made sugar free and regular blackberry jam which is my ABSOLUTE favorite and we made sf and regular grape jelly.. we also made some white grape jelly and next i think we are gonna try some orange marmalade.. i also got a hook up for some pears so i think pear perserves are in our future! it was fun and it was work but i really did enjoy making it..
also we got totally hooked on a new show this weekend.. i got the first 4 seasons of Weeds to watch .. its a showtime show and we dont have showtime so i had never seen it but i heard about it..well we started watching friday night.. we were up til midnight and then sat up til after 11 and last night til after 10 we even took a break from jam to watch a few episodes.. needless to say we are contemplating gettin showtime so we can tape it and watch it the new season! how bad is that.. but i have to say the show is incredible.. not somethign to watch with the kids but omg so good!!!
also sat we went and i got my 45 back from the gun smith.. he worked on my trigger and smoothed out my slide.. wow what a dream.. however when i shot it the first time.. man it scared the beegeebs out of me.. needless to say going from a 7+ pound trigger to what we found out was a 2.5 pound trigger was a HUGE difference.. but i was tearing up the target.. we are gettin ready to start reloading our own 45's and i cant wait b/c we will load them a bit lighter to shoot competition with and literally i ate the bullseye up when i shot it with the lighter loads that JD had.. so i cant wait.. i hope today that greg will get my new grips on for me and we can go practice some more this week while the kids are gone..
also today is day one of the diet.. yea i know ive posted before about how i was doing good and making it..w ell i fudged up.. yep thats me.. miss cookie lady.. WHY do i buy chocolate chip cookies?? huh?? i just love the taste of them and i eat entirely TOO many.. so they are all gone now and therefore i know i cant eat them and i wont buy anymore.. so .. today is as good as any.. ive told my friends and greg to stay on me HARD>. i have 2 weeks to get my act together and prove to myself and my dr that i can do this.. my goal is to drop at least 8 lbs.. and im gonna do it.. if i have to drink coffee all the time.. lmao! no ill eat but its gonna be MUCH healthier..
so im workin on labor day and i took a break to post this.. i really need to get my butt back to work and do my thing..
as far as the voices.. not too sure what all they have been saying lately.. ive been ignornign them and stuffing their sound down with chocolate chip cookies.. so maybe now that they are all gone.. ill listen! LOL
Monday, September 1, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Finally Finally Finally .........Friday!!!!!!!!!
sorry i havent been around.. not like anyone reads anyway..s o maybe im just apologizing to myself.. yes.. self.. im sorry i havent blogged much.. its ok..self.. i understand..you have a had a very very busy week..and well sometimes its hard to step away from work and do what you need to do.. so please.. self.. catch us up.. ok..self ill be glad to..
so.. tuesday i went to the dr.. and i love my dr.. we sat and talked and discussed and bascially he .. ok girl.. this is the deal.. if you wanna lose weight you need to cut calories, walk daily and watch what you eat.. avoid anything white (well except my hubby.. hes calorie and fat free lol).. he said i want you back in a month and if you havent lost and YOU REALLY MADE AN EFFORT and did some changing.. we will dig a little further otherwise.. we will see what happens and see if you feel better once you get ur butt to moving and eating better and ridding your body of all that CRAP you have eaten off and on.. then he gently reminded me that pizza has a BREAD crust and that it should be avoided at all costs! omg i wanted to cry.. lmao!!!
so.. ive walked 2 days so far.. last night was IDPA so we went to shoot so i didnt walk b/c thats a hectic night of running to get the kids.. running to get them fed.. running to get the guns out and ready (though i did it the night before and got the range bag all ready). then running to the range and up late b/c Greg was off today and therefore we went out to eat after shooting.. i was proud of myself and shot rather good.. nto great but i did get a compliment from one of the long timers .. the guy that shoots ALOT of IDPA.. he said who taught you to shoot? i said my hubby why? he said well im not sure that he showed you that stance.. but you have TEXTBOOK perfect shooting stance.. its very obvious that you handle that gun very well.. just work up the strength in your wrists and keep practicing you are doing great! that made me feel so good!!!
then we all went for mexican.. and i was SUPER DOOPER proud of me.... i didnt order dinner.. cause i had eaten before we went to shoot.. i only ate about 5 chips.. and usually i eat the whole basket.. i did eat a couple bites of luke's chicken.. but thats it.. i was soo happy with me!!! i resisted temptation and DID NOT GIVE IN!!!
i have as of this morning lost 4 lbs and i know its probalby all fluid but i dont care.. im already feeling better and drinking more water.. eating healthier and staying on track..thats the biggest thing.. im not following any 'persay' diet.. i am just eating smaller portions.. healthy foods, low calories, high fiber.. drinking plenty of water.. limiting my caffenine to my morning coffee .. im just determined that i have to learn to make choices and make good ones while im doing it!
so tonight we take the kids to Meme's house.. they are soo excited to be going they are gonna be there til monday .. greg was supposed to work but they had a breakdown so hes off.. its the first time in OMG i have NO idea when.. probably april when we took our anniversary trip that we have been alone on the weekend.. tomorrow night we are going to the Boston/Styx concert with G & M.. and we are eating at their house and hanging out afterwards. .i cant wait!!!! gotta hit the ABC store.. i told greg i wanted some patron..lmao.. i may end up with casadores.. or if hes really in a bad mood.. jose.. lmao!
anyway.. things are looking up for me.. i finally feel as though im turning a corner nad gettin a little bit ahead.. my office manager who love so much, Leigh, announced that she is leaving and going home to be with her daughter.. she will be working part time from home to supplement her income.. but the good news is she felt very strongly that i could do her job! well its back into what i really love the accounting end of the work.. im gonna keep all the HR functions..but i will be taking care of more of the financial stuff. and if i prove myself it will be more money!!! my boss was so nice and told me he had all the confidence that i could do it and was very comfortable with moving me into that position!..
well the kids are with greg today and poor mandy is already upset.. he woke her up and shes tired.. lord i am NOT ready for school to start next week.. i think im gonna have to sedate that child to get her to sleep!!! but Greg is taking my gun to get the trigger done.. and im so excited!!!! i cant wait to shoot it with the trigger lightened up and the creep gone!! maybe ill do better lmao!!
ok work needs to get done!!! hope everyone has a safe and awesome weekend!!!
so.. tuesday i went to the dr.. and i love my dr.. we sat and talked and discussed and bascially he .. ok girl.. this is the deal.. if you wanna lose weight you need to cut calories, walk daily and watch what you eat.. avoid anything white (well except my hubby.. hes calorie and fat free lol).. he said i want you back in a month and if you havent lost and YOU REALLY MADE AN EFFORT and did some changing.. we will dig a little further otherwise.. we will see what happens and see if you feel better once you get ur butt to moving and eating better and ridding your body of all that CRAP you have eaten off and on.. then he gently reminded me that pizza has a BREAD crust and that it should be avoided at all costs! omg i wanted to cry.. lmao!!!
so.. ive walked 2 days so far.. last night was IDPA so we went to shoot so i didnt walk b/c thats a hectic night of running to get the kids.. running to get them fed.. running to get the guns out and ready (though i did it the night before and got the range bag all ready). then running to the range and up late b/c Greg was off today and therefore we went out to eat after shooting.. i was proud of myself and shot rather good.. nto great but i did get a compliment from one of the long timers .. the guy that shoots ALOT of IDPA.. he said who taught you to shoot? i said my hubby why? he said well im not sure that he showed you that stance.. but you have TEXTBOOK perfect shooting stance.. its very obvious that you handle that gun very well.. just work up the strength in your wrists and keep practicing you are doing great! that made me feel so good!!!
then we all went for mexican.. and i was SUPER DOOPER proud of me.... i didnt order dinner.. cause i had eaten before we went to shoot.. i only ate about 5 chips.. and usually i eat the whole basket.. i did eat a couple bites of luke's chicken.. but thats it.. i was soo happy with me!!! i resisted temptation and DID NOT GIVE IN!!!
i have as of this morning lost 4 lbs and i know its probalby all fluid but i dont care.. im already feeling better and drinking more water.. eating healthier and staying on track..thats the biggest thing.. im not following any 'persay' diet.. i am just eating smaller portions.. healthy foods, low calories, high fiber.. drinking plenty of water.. limiting my caffenine to my morning coffee .. im just determined that i have to learn to make choices and make good ones while im doing it!
so tonight we take the kids to Meme's house.. they are soo excited to be going they are gonna be there til monday .. greg was supposed to work but they had a breakdown so hes off.. its the first time in OMG i have NO idea when.. probably april when we took our anniversary trip that we have been alone on the weekend.. tomorrow night we are going to the Boston/Styx concert with G & M.. and we are eating at their house and hanging out afterwards. .i cant wait!!!! gotta hit the ABC store.. i told greg i wanted some patron..lmao.. i may end up with casadores.. or if hes really in a bad mood.. jose.. lmao!
anyway.. things are looking up for me.. i finally feel as though im turning a corner nad gettin a little bit ahead.. my office manager who love so much, Leigh, announced that she is leaving and going home to be with her daughter.. she will be working part time from home to supplement her income.. but the good news is she felt very strongly that i could do her job! well its back into what i really love the accounting end of the work.. im gonna keep all the HR functions..but i will be taking care of more of the financial stuff. and if i prove myself it will be more money!!! my boss was so nice and told me he had all the confidence that i could do it and was very comfortable with moving me into that position!..
well the kids are with greg today and poor mandy is already upset.. he woke her up and shes tired.. lord i am NOT ready for school to start next week.. i think im gonna have to sedate that child to get her to sleep!!! but Greg is taking my gun to get the trigger done.. and im so excited!!!! i cant wait to shoot it with the trigger lightened up and the creep gone!! maybe ill do better lmao!!
ok work needs to get done!!! hope everyone has a safe and awesome weekend!!!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
well its EL DIA DE HUMP!
i swear i remember to this day the way my spanish teacher in high school would say that.. i can hear her voice and see her face when she would do it.. i never forget it!
ive had a pretty good week so far.. busy but good.. lets see tuesday went to the dr..and well bascially just let him know how i feel how i try so hard to lose weight and i have no success and i how i feel like crapola alot.. well he has given me 30 days to eat better and start exercising before he digs and probes to see if something else is going on.. so i have my 30 days .. my chance to get this damn thing GOING! and well i have a renewed sense of wanting it.. its like omg i can PROVE to him i can do this.. i have to PROVE to him i can.. and i have to show myself that Pansy you are WORTH it!!!
so last night i walked and my plans are to walk again tonight and every single day as long as i can and try to up my time out every couple days.. i have to do it!!
sat is the concert and i take the kids to my moms on friday.. im stoked!! i cannot believe i will have 3 nights with NO kids..well without the 3 kids in the house.. its gonna be so different and ill be SOO Freakin LOST! im gonna be ready for them to come home but i do plan on taking this time and just trying to kick back and RELAX!!! try to enjoy the time with NO one to do anythign for but me (and of course poor gregory)
we shoot tomorrow night and well luke is already raggin me big time about out shooting me.. some good vibes would be nice.. please let the gods of the bullets rain down on me and have all mine hit the targets in the RIGHT places.. lmao!
well let me go back to working.. i may have some GOOD news very very soon.. that ill share with you!! ... so keep checking in and finding out what the voices are saying..
and of course asking me if i walked today.. waht have i eatn.. am i doing what im supposed to.. do i have water in my hand.. blahblahblahblahblah!! LOL
ive had a pretty good week so far.. busy but good.. lets see tuesday went to the dr..and well bascially just let him know how i feel how i try so hard to lose weight and i have no success and i how i feel like crapola alot.. well he has given me 30 days to eat better and start exercising before he digs and probes to see if something else is going on.. so i have my 30 days .. my chance to get this damn thing GOING! and well i have a renewed sense of wanting it.. its like omg i can PROVE to him i can do this.. i have to PROVE to him i can.. and i have to show myself that Pansy you are WORTH it!!!
so last night i walked and my plans are to walk again tonight and every single day as long as i can and try to up my time out every couple days.. i have to do it!!
sat is the concert and i take the kids to my moms on friday.. im stoked!! i cannot believe i will have 3 nights with NO kids..well without the 3 kids in the house.. its gonna be so different and ill be SOO Freakin LOST! im gonna be ready for them to come home but i do plan on taking this time and just trying to kick back and RELAX!!! try to enjoy the time with NO one to do anythign for but me (and of course poor gregory)
we shoot tomorrow night and well luke is already raggin me big time about out shooting me.. some good vibes would be nice.. please let the gods of the bullets rain down on me and have all mine hit the targets in the RIGHT places.. lmao!
well let me go back to working.. i may have some GOOD news very very soon.. that ill share with you!! ... so keep checking in and finding out what the voices are saying..
and of course asking me if i walked today.. waht have i eatn.. am i doing what im supposed to.. do i have water in my hand.. blahblahblahblahblah!! LOL
Monday, August 11, 2008
its definately a monday...
so i woke up this am and got on the scale.. my FIRST mistake.. shoulda just thrown that damn thing out the freaking window a LONG time ago.. yes i did eat some ice cream last night.. YES i did have a massive headache that went away after eatin said ice cream.. NO freaking way that would cause me to gain damn 3.5 lbs over night.. i give up!!! im so flipping sick of the battle and so flipping tired of the ups and downs..
i am however going to see the dr tomorrow and im gonna just flat out beg for him to do some further tests on me.. my PA told me last year that i would need to just DEAL WITH IT.. learn to LIVE with the way i feel and be ok.. i think shes CRAZY!!!.. its not fair that i feel like crapola 99% of the time.. i never ever ever EVER get enough rest and i walk around with dark circles that people would think that i forgot HOW to sleep! my head hurst.. im exhausted.. i cant think straight.. im depressed.. i cant lose this damn weight!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!
my anxiety is so much better i know b/c i do however function in life vs. falling apart and i know that its because of the lexapro.. it was a wonder drug for me.. but yet i still feel like crud.. i reallythought that once the anxiety was gone that i would start to feel like a million bucks.. but where is it at?? about about 999,999 short! i mean not to say that i feel so bad i cant function but its hard.. when i come home at night i literally have no energy at all..its all i can do to get up and get ready in the morning.. i am worried about how i will be once school starts and i have to leave about an hour earlier..
who knows.. its just gettin old and im gettin tired of being sick and tired..
this weekend is supposed to be good the weather is supposed to be nice and we dont have the kids all weekend.. im gonna feel so lost! we are going to see Boston and Styx with some friends..and i am looking forward to it.. and i know the kids are so excited about going to see their meme and papa .. and of course Uncle Cam Katie and Hayden!
well let me get back to the drudges of payroll .. i may pop back in later.. my mind is not in a good place and i really cant put my finger on it.. i know that ive been stressed out with all the custody stuff and with buying school supplies and figuring out how im gonna do it.. i know God continues to take care of me and im blessed by that! .. but i am so miserable with myself and im so miserable with my weight.. its just hard right now!!!
so the voices are doing alot of whispering behind my back.. and im asking them to stop!
i am however going to see the dr tomorrow and im gonna just flat out beg for him to do some further tests on me.. my PA told me last year that i would need to just DEAL WITH IT.. learn to LIVE with the way i feel and be ok.. i think shes CRAZY!!!.. its not fair that i feel like crapola 99% of the time.. i never ever ever EVER get enough rest and i walk around with dark circles that people would think that i forgot HOW to sleep! my head hurst.. im exhausted.. i cant think straight.. im depressed.. i cant lose this damn weight!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!
my anxiety is so much better i know b/c i do however function in life vs. falling apart and i know that its because of the lexapro.. it was a wonder drug for me.. but yet i still feel like crud.. i reallythought that once the anxiety was gone that i would start to feel like a million bucks.. but where is it at?? about about 999,999 short! i mean not to say that i feel so bad i cant function but its hard.. when i come home at night i literally have no energy at all..its all i can do to get up and get ready in the morning.. i am worried about how i will be once school starts and i have to leave about an hour earlier..
who knows.. its just gettin old and im gettin tired of being sick and tired..
this weekend is supposed to be good the weather is supposed to be nice and we dont have the kids all weekend.. im gonna feel so lost! we are going to see Boston and Styx with some friends..and i am looking forward to it.. and i know the kids are so excited about going to see their meme and papa .. and of course Uncle Cam Katie and Hayden!
well let me get back to the drudges of payroll .. i may pop back in later.. my mind is not in a good place and i really cant put my finger on it.. i know that ive been stressed out with all the custody stuff and with buying school supplies and figuring out how im gonna do it.. i know God continues to take care of me and im blessed by that! .. but i am so miserable with myself and im so miserable with my weight.. its just hard right now!!!
so the voices are doing alot of whispering behind my back.. and im asking them to stop!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
so its thursday..
and today im a stressed out mess.. i hate feeling like things are out of my control!!! i am trying to get insurance on the kids they are sayin theres an open case in nash county..but theres NOT .. b/c we did not choose to pay the premiums.. i have to prove i have physical custody.. i havent gotten the papers in the mail.. mandy needs another book for school .. i still have school supplies to buy.. they need shoes.. gotta try and get those tonight.. i am about to freaking scream my head off b/c im stressed out to NO end and i just need a vacation..
i still need to take mandy to the school to sign papers.. havent heard a thing from haley's school yet dont know who her teacher is.. still need to apply for reassignment.. im absolutely STRESSED!!
i need calgon to do MORE than take me away.. i would love a nice long bubble bath with a nice cold beer.. and time alone with NO interuptions.. none.. not even from the dang cat!
i know next weekend the kids are going to their meme's and they are so excited to be going and greg and i will have time together.. i know he will be working some but it will benice to just be able to do some bonding.. last night we just sat and talked for the longest time it was nice to talk about the future and what are plans are and what he sees for our family..it made me feel good..
so i need a dressser for the girls room and i think about that.. i need to hit some yard sales big TIME! but dang i never get out of the bed early enough nor do i get a paper to find out where they are! LMAO!
i am going tonight to get shoes for the kids for school haley needs tennis shoes and the other ones need sperrys for school.. so we are off to the mall tonight.. im gonna pick up pizza for them afterwards..and we will head home.. tomorrow is their BIG chore day at home.. so i know they will hate it.. i told them though that if they are NOT done this week.. ALL the chores.. they will be grounded all weekend.. i am still gonna try to talk greg into lettin us go to the movies.. maybe as a family outing.. we will see .. he may end up working all weekend so i dont know..
and of course.. no word from bill on when and if he will see the kids .. and they are really affected by this.. they want to see their dad and be a part of his life so bad.. i realize that he is having a rough patch right now but at the same time.. they need him.. even if only to go sit at the park and talk..but he just doesnt see it..
it would be nice if greg was off sunday we got the boat fixed and we could go out on it..
and on the weight front.. ive lost 3 lbs.. i guess its a start.. i do however go to talk to the dr on the 12th.. im gonna ask once again about possible thyroid issues as i have SOO many of the symptoms and yet NO one will do the FULL test for me! maybe he will.. im also gonna talk to him about diet and nutrition and how its SOOO hard for me to lose now.. and how i try and try but dont have any success.. its quite depressing.. however maybe he will help me to figure out whats going on.. i have my water in hand.. had my oatmeal for breakie and im planning out what im doing for lunch.. i probably will be runnin around to try and find shoes for haley!
so thats it for today.. yes im just a little stressed out booger but im making it.. ill be ok..
i still need to take mandy to the school to sign papers.. havent heard a thing from haley's school yet dont know who her teacher is.. still need to apply for reassignment.. im absolutely STRESSED!!
i need calgon to do MORE than take me away.. i would love a nice long bubble bath with a nice cold beer.. and time alone with NO interuptions.. none.. not even from the dang cat!
i know next weekend the kids are going to their meme's and they are so excited to be going and greg and i will have time together.. i know he will be working some but it will benice to just be able to do some bonding.. last night we just sat and talked for the longest time it was nice to talk about the future and what are plans are and what he sees for our family..it made me feel good..
so i need a dressser for the girls room and i think about that.. i need to hit some yard sales big TIME! but dang i never get out of the bed early enough nor do i get a paper to find out where they are! LMAO!
i am going tonight to get shoes for the kids for school haley needs tennis shoes and the other ones need sperrys for school.. so we are off to the mall tonight.. im gonna pick up pizza for them afterwards..and we will head home.. tomorrow is their BIG chore day at home.. so i know they will hate it.. i told them though that if they are NOT done this week.. ALL the chores.. they will be grounded all weekend.. i am still gonna try to talk greg into lettin us go to the movies.. maybe as a family outing.. we will see .. he may end up working all weekend so i dont know..
and of course.. no word from bill on when and if he will see the kids .. and they are really affected by this.. they want to see their dad and be a part of his life so bad.. i realize that he is having a rough patch right now but at the same time.. they need him.. even if only to go sit at the park and talk..but he just doesnt see it..
it would be nice if greg was off sunday we got the boat fixed and we could go out on it..
and on the weight front.. ive lost 3 lbs.. i guess its a start.. i do however go to talk to the dr on the 12th.. im gonna ask once again about possible thyroid issues as i have SOO many of the symptoms and yet NO one will do the FULL test for me! maybe he will.. im also gonna talk to him about diet and nutrition and how its SOOO hard for me to lose now.. and how i try and try but dont have any success.. its quite depressing.. however maybe he will help me to figure out whats going on.. i have my water in hand.. had my oatmeal for breakie and im planning out what im doing for lunch.. i probably will be runnin around to try and find shoes for haley!
so thats it for today.. yes im just a little stressed out booger but im making it.. ill be ok..
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
dammit...
thats been my word today.. i have felt like shouting it off the roof tops.. i swear its been busy as hell around here.. im iller than a snake.. i would like to go crawl in my bed and never ever get out for any reason whatsoever.. sugar withdrawal sucks ass..
my dear hubs is probably mad as hell at me b/c i emailed him to day and basically let him have it.. im sick and tired of always ending up being BLAMED for everything that happens.. i never do anything fast enough or clear enough or good enough or explain somethign enough or move it enough.. im just tired of it.. im doing all i freaking can and i cant do NO MORE!!!
im stressed out.. all this school shopping has me in a tizzy and im ready for it to be over.. the kids are CONSTANTLY asking when they are gonna get this or that.. and im trying as hard as i can..bill gives me no monetary help with anything.. and im just stressed beyond repair.. im so ready for it all to just miraculously come to an end.. maybe i do need to start playing the lotto!
who knows.. i hate feeling so stressed out and worked up and like this.. my haley bug is not having an easy time and thats bothering me alot.. a WHOLE lot..
then i get a call that they have a birthday party to go to tomorrow night and well of course i gotta go find a gift.. that should be fun.. hmmm.. i say a card with a happy birthday on the inside! cause im telling you this bank is tapped out..
i have however stayed away from sugar for 2 days.. the fact of course that the scales NEVER ever move for me.. but i am withdrawing i know b/c im ready to kill someone..
pray for sleep tonight.. pray for peaceful uninterupted sleep.. and pray that i hear the alarm clock.. i need my nasty attitude to be taken away.. i need to realize how thankful i should be for all the wonderful blessing i ahve in my life.. but right now im in the i feel like shit and i wanna crawl in a corner and cry mode.. i know its not a good place to be and i know i will eventuallyget out of it..
i know my husband loves me .. for goodness sakes i surely hope that yall dont think any different and hes so very very good to me.. anything i need i know i can ask and its done.. never a question.. never a pause.. i know that im taking care of .. i dont question that at all.. for me the biggest thing is just feeling appreciated for all i do.. i wanna feel like they see that i work my ass off night and day to make sure that everyone is ok.. instead of feeling like a door mat that just gets walked over daily .. one that they are thankful catches the dirt from coming in side but one that is forgotten so quickly and discarded to the side..
well time to go home for the day.. another day down.. another one to do tomorrow!!!
and right now i simply cant type what the voices are saying..because they are yelling too damn loud in my ear..
DAMMIT!
my dear hubs is probably mad as hell at me b/c i emailed him to day and basically let him have it.. im sick and tired of always ending up being BLAMED for everything that happens.. i never do anything fast enough or clear enough or good enough or explain somethign enough or move it enough.. im just tired of it.. im doing all i freaking can and i cant do NO MORE!!!
im stressed out.. all this school shopping has me in a tizzy and im ready for it to be over.. the kids are CONSTANTLY asking when they are gonna get this or that.. and im trying as hard as i can..bill gives me no monetary help with anything.. and im just stressed beyond repair.. im so ready for it all to just miraculously come to an end.. maybe i do need to start playing the lotto!
who knows.. i hate feeling so stressed out and worked up and like this.. my haley bug is not having an easy time and thats bothering me alot.. a WHOLE lot..
then i get a call that they have a birthday party to go to tomorrow night and well of course i gotta go find a gift.. that should be fun.. hmmm.. i say a card with a happy birthday on the inside! cause im telling you this bank is tapped out..
i have however stayed away from sugar for 2 days.. the fact of course that the scales NEVER ever move for me.. but i am withdrawing i know b/c im ready to kill someone..
pray for sleep tonight.. pray for peaceful uninterupted sleep.. and pray that i hear the alarm clock.. i need my nasty attitude to be taken away.. i need to realize how thankful i should be for all the wonderful blessing i ahve in my life.. but right now im in the i feel like shit and i wanna crawl in a corner and cry mode.. i know its not a good place to be and i know i will eventuallyget out of it..
i know my husband loves me .. for goodness sakes i surely hope that yall dont think any different and hes so very very good to me.. anything i need i know i can ask and its done.. never a question.. never a pause.. i know that im taking care of .. i dont question that at all.. for me the biggest thing is just feeling appreciated for all i do.. i wanna feel like they see that i work my ass off night and day to make sure that everyone is ok.. instead of feeling like a door mat that just gets walked over daily .. one that they are thankful catches the dirt from coming in side but one that is forgotten so quickly and discarded to the side..
well time to go home for the day.. another day down.. another one to do tomorrow!!!
and right now i simply cant type what the voices are saying..because they are yelling too damn loud in my ear..
DAMMIT!
Monday, August 4, 2008
its a MONDAY.. thats for sure!!!
well my morning started out like CRAPOLA!!! we are so freaking dry here and i have ANTS.. omg i have a HUGE bug phobia/creep out thing and they are driving me nuts.. we have the poison out and basicallyit attracts them so you see more of them for a day or so and its making me bonkers.. i feel like a nasty dirty disgusting person.. i know im not b/c im rather OCD over cleaning..but omg.. yuck yuck yuck.. greg is gettin the stuff for outside today and luke is raking up pine straw to clear a path and we are treating outside and using home defense inside tonight..i cannot take it!!!
so after feelin like i have ants all over me.. i came to work.. i have so much to do but im taking a minute to do this!
today i go and sign the parenting agreement and hopefully all will finally be settled in that area.. its a relief as well as a continual struggle as i worry about the kids so much.. they really have been through so much and i realize that part of it is my fault and im trying so hard to make it up and to talk to them..but they are hurt.. and they are sad..and theres NOTHING i can do about it and i hate it.. they are such awesome and amazing kids!!! im blessed to have them..
so i woke up this morning just like every morning wishing i had 30 more minutes of sleep but i also woke up saying YES today is gonna be the day.. leigh (mycoworker) and i continue to say every monday that today is the day.. but in reality today is THE DAY for me.. i swear to you when i eat badly i feel bad! my body aches, my clothes dont fit, my depression is worse, my anxiety is worse.. i hate it.. so i said this am.. im waking up fixing some boiled eggs.. ill have salad for lunch.. its gonna work for me.. ive done this so many times.. i know low carb like the backside of my hand.. i know what to do and what not to do i know how to work around going out and eating out and going to eat at other peoples houses.. i know how to work it.. i just have NOT been working it.. so today is my new start.. im so sick of feeling like the fat pudgy kid .. im tired of lookin in the mirror and all i see is a fat rolly polly.. i realize im 38 (OMG THAT IS OLD) but dammit i dont have to look it.. im so determined to do something.. i also realize that i have to exercise but i know that the biggest part right now is eating better.. stopping the cycle.. cuttin it off and gettin SUGAR out of my diet.. sugar is the death of me.. it makes my joints ache, my hands swell, it affects my depression, it affects how i sleep and what i feel like.. im just tired.. i realize that ive done it before and i remember that total high feeling i got from LOVING what i saw in the mirror.. from feeling good in my clothes.. from being able to shop for cute stuff.. i wanna make my husband know hes got the hottest wife around.. i want my kids to be proud to go out with me..
i know they all love me now and always will but its how i love myself right now.. and right now theres NOT alot of love there.. i hate it.. i hate how i feel i hate how i look .. i hate my round face and my pudgy belly and my big butt.. i hate the fat in my hands and in my feet.. i hate it all.. and i gotta get through that to break this cycle of destruction.. i have to!!!
so thats it today..the voices are saying.. JUMP ON THAT HORSE AND RIDE !!!! you can do it.. dont be afraid dont be scared dont look back... look onward to the goal.. see the bright side.. watch the sunrise and know that the warmth on your face is real and worth it!!!
so ill be back lettin you know how it freaking goes! LOL
so after feelin like i have ants all over me.. i came to work.. i have so much to do but im taking a minute to do this!
today i go and sign the parenting agreement and hopefully all will finally be settled in that area.. its a relief as well as a continual struggle as i worry about the kids so much.. they really have been through so much and i realize that part of it is my fault and im trying so hard to make it up and to talk to them..but they are hurt.. and they are sad..and theres NOTHING i can do about it and i hate it.. they are such awesome and amazing kids!!! im blessed to have them..
so i woke up this morning just like every morning wishing i had 30 more minutes of sleep but i also woke up saying YES today is gonna be the day.. leigh (mycoworker) and i continue to say every monday that today is the day.. but in reality today is THE DAY for me.. i swear to you when i eat badly i feel bad! my body aches, my clothes dont fit, my depression is worse, my anxiety is worse.. i hate it.. so i said this am.. im waking up fixing some boiled eggs.. ill have salad for lunch.. its gonna work for me.. ive done this so many times.. i know low carb like the backside of my hand.. i know what to do and what not to do i know how to work around going out and eating out and going to eat at other peoples houses.. i know how to work it.. i just have NOT been working it.. so today is my new start.. im so sick of feeling like the fat pudgy kid .. im tired of lookin in the mirror and all i see is a fat rolly polly.. i realize im 38 (OMG THAT IS OLD) but dammit i dont have to look it.. im so determined to do something.. i also realize that i have to exercise but i know that the biggest part right now is eating better.. stopping the cycle.. cuttin it off and gettin SUGAR out of my diet.. sugar is the death of me.. it makes my joints ache, my hands swell, it affects my depression, it affects how i sleep and what i feel like.. im just tired.. i realize that ive done it before and i remember that total high feeling i got from LOVING what i saw in the mirror.. from feeling good in my clothes.. from being able to shop for cute stuff.. i wanna make my husband know hes got the hottest wife around.. i want my kids to be proud to go out with me..
i know they all love me now and always will but its how i love myself right now.. and right now theres NOT alot of love there.. i hate it.. i hate how i feel i hate how i look .. i hate my round face and my pudgy belly and my big butt.. i hate the fat in my hands and in my feet.. i hate it all.. and i gotta get through that to break this cycle of destruction.. i have to!!!
so thats it today..the voices are saying.. JUMP ON THAT HORSE AND RIDE !!!! you can do it.. dont be afraid dont be scared dont look back... look onward to the goal.. see the bright side.. watch the sunrise and know that the warmth on your face is real and worth it!!!
so ill be back lettin you know how it freaking goes! LOL
Saturday, August 2, 2008
just another day in ..
well the song is paradise.. but not what i was feeling today.. so i slept in a bit and woke up with a HELLACIOUS headache.. yes it deserved to be yelled at... and i wish i had.. god my head was hurting.. Greg was at work so i did take advantage of havin the bed to myself.. needless to say i feel asleep with haley and woke up when the alarm went off at 425 this morning.. that part really sucked.. but i fell back to sleep easily..
so today luke and haley and i went to south hill to visit my grandmother... i was not looking forward to it but i knew it would mean alot to her and to my heart.. so we got to mamas and cam katie and hayden were there.. i love being with my family ... its always so freakin hard to leave but today i knew that greg wasnt with me and he would want me to come on home.. but we enjoyed some time together and laughed alot as usual.. mama and the kids and i then went to visit Nana D.. she was doing well and of course doesnt always remember us but she does remember me.. mama said when she told her i was there she got so excited she said she couldnt remember the lady she was talkin with name.. that makes my heart smile.. as we walked out i was laughing and she hugged me and said you still have that same chuckle.. i sure do love my nana! then we went to see nannie e.. it was so hard to see her like that.. shes gotten so frail and looks so sad. she is confused and weak and it hurts .. i want my nannie e back not the lady i had to see today who doesnt eat and cant sit up or do anything for herself shes so weak.. but i knew i needed to go..after that i was ready to come home really didnt wanna do anything else.. the kids of course love to be at memes and were sad that we couldnt go to cams... i texted katie and told her i was gonna come soon and stay as late as i could so we could talk all night.. she just laughed! hayden is walking now and omg is she adorable! i swear i love that kid to pieces!!!
mandy is due back tomorrow and hasnt been brought home early so im hoping that means she has behaved.. she said her phone died so i hope to hear from her soon.. haley is missin her sissy i know that!
eating wasnt horrible today and i did the best i could.. for bfast i had a wheat bagel with sausage egg and cheese and coffee and lunch was basically some rice chex (eaten dry like a snack).. i nibbled some at mamas.. but did good.. dinner was a kids cup sized chocolate shake.. really no appetite tonight.. i surely needed more water than i got in...but im trying!
i hope tomorrow we can get on the boat though my husband has gotten this thing in his head that he wants a freaking grapevine.. i have NO idea where his ideas come from but once he gets one..it NEVER goes away.. lmao!
its my plan to get back to eating properly on monday and to call the dr to see if he has had any cancellations for me to come in earlier to talk to him.. i know hell do a panel of blood work and basically get me on a plan.. i figure if i have to pay for it.. ill stick to it.. i need something to kick me in my ass thats for sure!
well just figured i needed to blog for the day! nothing too deep today.. my brain is kinda in standby mode and trying my best to soak in all from the day.. i try so hard to keep my thoughts clear and my mind more positive but i do not succeed very often!
but as for the moment.. the voices arent saying a lot today
so today luke and haley and i went to south hill to visit my grandmother... i was not looking forward to it but i knew it would mean alot to her and to my heart.. so we got to mamas and cam katie and hayden were there.. i love being with my family ... its always so freakin hard to leave but today i knew that greg wasnt with me and he would want me to come on home.. but we enjoyed some time together and laughed alot as usual.. mama and the kids and i then went to visit Nana D.. she was doing well and of course doesnt always remember us but she does remember me.. mama said when she told her i was there she got so excited she said she couldnt remember the lady she was talkin with name.. that makes my heart smile.. as we walked out i was laughing and she hugged me and said you still have that same chuckle.. i sure do love my nana! then we went to see nannie e.. it was so hard to see her like that.. shes gotten so frail and looks so sad. she is confused and weak and it hurts .. i want my nannie e back not the lady i had to see today who doesnt eat and cant sit up or do anything for herself shes so weak.. but i knew i needed to go..after that i was ready to come home really didnt wanna do anything else.. the kids of course love to be at memes and were sad that we couldnt go to cams... i texted katie and told her i was gonna come soon and stay as late as i could so we could talk all night.. she just laughed! hayden is walking now and omg is she adorable! i swear i love that kid to pieces!!!
mandy is due back tomorrow and hasnt been brought home early so im hoping that means she has behaved.. she said her phone died so i hope to hear from her soon.. haley is missin her sissy i know that!
eating wasnt horrible today and i did the best i could.. for bfast i had a wheat bagel with sausage egg and cheese and coffee and lunch was basically some rice chex (eaten dry like a snack).. i nibbled some at mamas.. but did good.. dinner was a kids cup sized chocolate shake.. really no appetite tonight.. i surely needed more water than i got in...but im trying!
i hope tomorrow we can get on the boat though my husband has gotten this thing in his head that he wants a freaking grapevine.. i have NO idea where his ideas come from but once he gets one..it NEVER goes away.. lmao!
its my plan to get back to eating properly on monday and to call the dr to see if he has had any cancellations for me to come in earlier to talk to him.. i know hell do a panel of blood work and basically get me on a plan.. i figure if i have to pay for it.. ill stick to it.. i need something to kick me in my ass thats for sure!
well just figured i needed to blog for the day! nothing too deep today.. my brain is kinda in standby mode and trying my best to soak in all from the day.. i try so hard to keep my thoughts clear and my mind more positive but i do not succeed very often!
but as for the moment.. the voices arent saying a lot today
Friday, August 1, 2008
August.. is here.....WOW!!!
omg can you believe that its AUGUST?? i surely cant.. my birthday came and went and now summer is ticking away..its almost unbelievable.. i swear i cannot believe over half this year is GONE! i am vowing to myself to make the rest of this year worthy.. and to live it better than i did the first half of the year..we shall see how that comes to pass.. lmao!
well last night i ate the MOST scrumpdelicious tomato sammich in the world.. my dad brought me some maters last weekend and i swear i could live off tomato sammiches!!! how in the world can something so simple taste so good!!! while i ate a sandwich my daughter (the 9 yr old) decided to show me she could cook grilled cheeses all by herself.. i was so proud yet so sad b/c it just shows that she is growing up more and more every single day! however i snapped a pic of her last night laying on my side that just showed me that she is still my little baby!
well last night i ate the MOST scrumpdelicious tomato sammich in the world.. my dad brought me some maters last weekend and i swear i could live off tomato sammiches!!! how in the world can something so simple taste so good!!! while i ate a sandwich my daughter (the 9 yr old) decided to show me she could cook grilled cheeses all by herself.. i was so proud yet so sad b/c it just shows that she is growing up more and more every single day! however i snapped a pic of her last night laying on my side that just showed me that she is still my little baby!
so this weekend is gonna be a difficult one.. im going to see my Nannie E and im not looking forward to it.. she is doing very poorly and im not sure how much longer she will be in this world.. i am having to make myself do it but i dont want to.. i realize that she is not the same Nannie i remember and that i so badly dont wanna remember her like this.. but i know i must have the peace within myself to go and do it .. Mandy is going to the river with her bf and family .. im struggling with that and i had the big ole long horrible talk with her about sex and sexual things and how her pureness is important and once its gone its GONE she was just all GROSS mama i know about that and weve talked i do NOT want anyone to touch me there.. omg mama that is just wrong.. NO .. besides i would kick the crap outta him and run.. so that gave me a little comfort.. however im still just sad.. i know that greg is against it and therefore will make my life hell all weekend.. ive asked that he not.. he is so strict she would be 35 before she ever left the house.. who knows.. parenting should not be so hard.. you are damned if you do and damned if you dont.. i also informed her that trust is something that once its broken takes forever to repair..and this is a once in a lifetime chance.. however i will say that J's parents both T & J are very much like me and are over protective and watchful and that is a good thing!
so on the eating front i was doing really really good until those damn teddy grahams jumped in my mouth and attacked me last night.. i tried hard to fight against them i even crushed them into little pieced and chewed them up.. only i didnt spit them out.. i ate them.. :( i do so good all day and then BLAME one thing can throw me down a hill and make me roll forever.. ill get up so dirty and sore and sad that i will look at that mountain and think ill never ever be able to get to the top again.. it totally sucks.. i hate it.. i hate that my constant battle and struggle in life is the fact that i obsess over food.. eat the wrong things.. eat at the wrong times. dont exercise enough and yet despise how i look and feel.. its total backwards life.. you would think that i would have enough motivation to get my ass in gear and fix the things that i dont like about myself.. ya know if you lived in a house where you hated the curtains every day.. eventually you would get up tear those suckers down and put up ones you like.. but for me.. its like i sit on the couch look at hte curtains think about how much i hate them.. talk about how much i hate them.. walk by them and just grimace.. look at them again.. obsess over how much they dont match anything.. how they are old looking... frumpy looking.. dirty looking.. need replacing.. yet i spray febreeze on them and vacuum them and make sure they stay straight.. its like an idiot walking a dead dog.. ya know all hes doing is causing himself pain and the world to look at him like hes a total freak..
thats what i feel like at times.. a freak.. i dont like the skin i have to walk around in.. i dont like the fact that im fat and chubby and not looking good.. i feel like i have a tiny head and a huge body attached..YET i do nothing about it..every singleday of my life i wake up with the attitude that today will be different.. today i will be on track today i will eat better today i will go for a walk.. today i will love myself.. but what it ends up being is today i feel like shit so hell eat that damn chocolate anyway.. who the hell cares.. you will always be nothing and you will always look tired and worn out and frazzled and you will always be fat so screw it!.. then i eat the chocolate and it tastes so good i have another.. then i sit and say why the hell did i eat the chocolate you dummy you will NEVER ever get your life on target and you will never ever be able to be right if you dont stop.. then i beat myself up over what i ate..
its a vicious cycle that never ends and its always playing in my mind.. i realize that people with a heroine or meth addiction probably do the same thing.. they hate what they do yet they do it anyway..
why is it that bulemics and anorexics get so much publicity that the way they live is so horrible and how they are so twisted and suffering so badly.. when there are those of us that live in our fat skin and live in our puffy bodies that struggle just as much..the only difference is they either purge out what they hate.. refuse what they hate.. and what we do is just live in hell all the time!
i know this is not a pretty blog or a funny one or even easy to read im sure.. its probably left you thinking DAMN that is one MESSED up chica!!!
however its my solitude.. its my rest.. its the place i can get out what in my head.. and i need it.. i am hoping that release will lead to healing and in the end..
what the voices are saying today..............................will improve!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thursday.. well ive almost made it through another week
well another week is almost done and of course theres always ALWAYS something going on in my life.. last night i was lazy i didnt wanna cook so we got chinese.. i ate a little of lukes chicken and 2 egg rolls omg they were good.. greg is trying his best to cut back on coca cola and therefore im making tea like a mad woman in my house.. my children i swear they think its the best thing since sliced bread! but its ok.. its decaf and they dont know it! LOL
so i did sleep a little better last night however i did hit my freaking snooze button way too many times and i didnt wanna get up this morning..but its a new day..and though i have a headache.. ill be ok.. workin on that first cup of pure absolute heaven.. java.. coffee. the liquid gold! LOL my goal today is to get MORE water in than yesterday and to be more aware of whats in my mouth..
so my sweet mandy never texted me and let me know how the jo bros were.. i wonder if they scooped her up and took her away?? lol.. and well i got the dreaded call last night from the BF's mom.. mandy has been taling about going to the river with J for the longest time and well i have not had the call and well the mom called last night.. i think we are gonna let her go b/c his mom is so much like me.. we are both super over protective and she has already stated.. ill be watching them like a hawk and that he will be sleeping with his dad and she will be in the LR with his mom.. so i know how teenagers are...and well her and i talked about that in detail.. so im stuck.. do i let her go or not? my heart says give the girl a chance.. my head is saying OMG no.. of course her step dad is saying its up to you but .. blah blah blah.. well im supposed to go meet and talk with his mom more and i think im gonna try and let her go.. i know that if i never trust her she will run in the opposite direction..mandy is TOO much like me not to.. we are so much alike in so many ways and i know that shes got just enough rebellion in her that she would sneak vs. being open..and well right now she tells me EVERYTHING.. and i like that and i wanna keep that.. so im gonna have to really pray on this one..
why is parenting so freaking hard?? i swear theres not a manual, book, cd, movie, talk show host, internet blog, or website that can actually help you.. it is all trial and error and i always fear the ERROR!!!
so today i get new tires.. can i tell you that i feel so happy i could scream like a little girl.. i know its ridiculous but i know my car will ride SOO Much better.. yes i have to pay for them and yes that sucks so bad i hate it... but omg the ride is gonna be sooo much better
im supposed to go to South Hill to see my grandma on sat.. im worried and scared and really struggling .. she has refused any supplemental feeding or breathing and has signed a DNR.. i know why.. and i can understand..but at the same time im mad.. i dont wanna lose her.. i know have not been to see her like i should lately. but its because im scared.. i know her health has gone down sooo mcuh since her bypass..and well i hate it.. i want my Nannie E back that i remember.. i want to have the Nannie i woudl sit and talk to forever.. i want that nannie that had that smile that NO one could forget.. i dont want that Nannie in a hospital wasting away and giving up on life.. im bitter and im mad and i dont wanna lose her!
so onward to today.. greg is working seven days and that sucks b/c it means we wont go on the boat again this weekend and im really really sad! :( my tan is fading so freakin fast and i hate it..
so lets hope that today is a better day food wise and thought wise and that one day ill get my head on straight.. im trying so hard and failing so much ..it gets really old.. day after day after day!
so i did sleep a little better last night however i did hit my freaking snooze button way too many times and i didnt wanna get up this morning..but its a new day..and though i have a headache.. ill be ok.. workin on that first cup of pure absolute heaven.. java.. coffee. the liquid gold! LOL my goal today is to get MORE water in than yesterday and to be more aware of whats in my mouth..
so my sweet mandy never texted me and let me know how the jo bros were.. i wonder if they scooped her up and took her away?? lol.. and well i got the dreaded call last night from the BF's mom.. mandy has been taling about going to the river with J for the longest time and well i have not had the call and well the mom called last night.. i think we are gonna let her go b/c his mom is so much like me.. we are both super over protective and she has already stated.. ill be watching them like a hawk and that he will be sleeping with his dad and she will be in the LR with his mom.. so i know how teenagers are...and well her and i talked about that in detail.. so im stuck.. do i let her go or not? my heart says give the girl a chance.. my head is saying OMG no.. of course her step dad is saying its up to you but .. blah blah blah.. well im supposed to go meet and talk with his mom more and i think im gonna try and let her go.. i know that if i never trust her she will run in the opposite direction..mandy is TOO much like me not to.. we are so much alike in so many ways and i know that shes got just enough rebellion in her that she would sneak vs. being open..and well right now she tells me EVERYTHING.. and i like that and i wanna keep that.. so im gonna have to really pray on this one..
why is parenting so freaking hard?? i swear theres not a manual, book, cd, movie, talk show host, internet blog, or website that can actually help you.. it is all trial and error and i always fear the ERROR!!!
so today i get new tires.. can i tell you that i feel so happy i could scream like a little girl.. i know its ridiculous but i know my car will ride SOO Much better.. yes i have to pay for them and yes that sucks so bad i hate it... but omg the ride is gonna be sooo much better
im supposed to go to South Hill to see my grandma on sat.. im worried and scared and really struggling .. she has refused any supplemental feeding or breathing and has signed a DNR.. i know why.. and i can understand..but at the same time im mad.. i dont wanna lose her.. i know have not been to see her like i should lately. but its because im scared.. i know her health has gone down sooo mcuh since her bypass..and well i hate it.. i want my Nannie E back that i remember.. i want to have the Nannie i woudl sit and talk to forever.. i want that nannie that had that smile that NO one could forget.. i dont want that Nannie in a hospital wasting away and giving up on life.. im bitter and im mad and i dont wanna lose her!
so onward to today.. greg is working seven days and that sucks b/c it means we wont go on the boat again this weekend and im really really sad! :( my tan is fading so freakin fast and i hate it..
so lets hope that today is a better day food wise and thought wise and that one day ill get my head on straight.. im trying so hard and failing so much ..it gets really old.. day after day after day!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
ok.. so why?? why ?? why??
so today at lunch i had to take to luke to school.. supposedly his principal needed to talk to him to see if he had any information concerning a 'cheating scandal' during summer school.. now i love my son but i can tell you this hes NOT a cheater.. the boy wants his rifle and pistol to bad to cheat.. cause he knows if he did something like that he would be DEAD.. yep.. deader than dead
so he told the info he had.. but this is what happened to me.. i was dying starvin by the time i got back. i ate a granola bar.. oh not enough.. then i saw that eddye had ice cream.. so what did i do.. i went and got ice cream.. then i drank a bottle of water..then i had a piece of chocolate and what lies on my desk now?? yes a half of a miniature hershey bar.. why?? why ?? why??
see i should have just stopped got myself a chicken sammich from somewhere and been done.. now i have racing thoughts of what can i eat for dinner.. what can i have for a snack and my head freaking hurts..
i hate this shit! somedays the struggle is SOO Not worth it!
so he told the info he had.. but this is what happened to me.. i was dying starvin by the time i got back. i ate a granola bar.. oh not enough.. then i saw that eddye had ice cream.. so what did i do.. i went and got ice cream.. then i drank a bottle of water..then i had a piece of chocolate and what lies on my desk now?? yes a half of a miniature hershey bar.. why?? why ?? why??
see i should have just stopped got myself a chicken sammich from somewhere and been done.. now i have racing thoughts of what can i eat for dinner.. what can i have for a snack and my head freaking hurts..
i hate this shit! somedays the struggle is SOO Not worth it!
one thing done......
i just got the call from the mediator and our custody/parenting agreement papers will be signed next week.. so finally its settled and i can sleep peacefully knowing that my kids are WITH me!!!!!!!!!!
ok.. so what is today anyway??
ya know you are gettin old when you wake up and think.. omg what is TODAY?? lmao! well thats the way my days have been going.. so yesterday i woke up to a flat tire.. had to drive gregs match box car to work.. went home he had to plug the tire..then we had to go get the kids.. they were at their Granny's for the day.. then head back home.. however it was very nice to get home cook dinner and have NO where to go!!! i got clothes washed, dishes washed, bible study done..
so today my raging wild teenage girl is headed to see the Jonas Bros .. she is about to die with excitement however that excitement did not seem to cross her face when at 7 this am i was tellin her it was time to get up.. i was like its the big day..and she just kinda moaned and rolled over ..it was at this point that i realized unless Joe Jonas himself showed up in that room it was not gonna be an exciting morning.. finally they rolled out of bed and we headed out..
so its 9 am and ive already .. gotten gas, got them breakie, started to work, drank coffee, arranged to get tires tomorrow. and well i think its time for a break.. hence why im HERE! LOL
so who here is like me and has the 'im so tired i could die.. but my damn body wont fall asleep' syndrome? well thats me .. every single freaking night i get in bed.. i start watching damn George Lopez.. which i must add is a freaking hilarious show..if you never watch..catch it on Nick at Night at 10 & 1030.. (this is a NON paid advertisement lmao).. I GOT THIS!!!!!!!!! u have to watch the show to udnerstand.. so i play brickbreaker on the crackphone.. i smoke a cigarette.. i try to clear my mind.. empty my brain.. and BAM im wide the heck awake???!!! what is up with that?? i swear to you im not a real night owl.. im an old lady who gets tired as heck .. but soon as i hit the bed. in all its warmness and snuggleness.. im WIDE awake.. and dare i move.. cause my hubby would be very upset.. he has this thing that we need to always sleep in the same room! LOL (ok he loves me). so my brain starts to humming a million miles per hour.. i think about the clothes in the dryer, what time i need to get up, are the alarms set, what am i gonna cook for dinner, what do i have to do at work tomorrow, is the cat fed, are the sheets clean, is that a cricket i hear chirping outside, is there gonna be coffee in the morning, how fast can i lose 50 lbs, how i need to exercise, what am i gonna wear tomorrow, what shoes will match that, do i need to iron it, what needs cleaning, what needs putting away, are the kids packed for tomorrow, ......... and thats only a SMALL portion of my thoughts.. so tell me how do you cut the brain off? how do you make this stupid non stop race of life in my head go away?.. any tips.. cause if i count sheep all im gonna do is start naming those little suckers before long and omg.. we will be having conversations about the weather and what events are coming up and if we could have this or that for dinner this week..
its sad.. i swear to you .. maybe i need to keep a note book by my bed and take notes.. i swear in my head before i go to sleep i could accomplish MORE than a million tasks.. right from the comfort of my nice snuggly bed..too bad i dont have that magic samantha nose that i could wiggle and get it all done while its on my mind..
the even sadder part is.. i think all these things while im attempting to go to sleep ,.. but come the morning hell i cant find my keys.. much less think about what im gonna do! LOL.
on another note.. i am attempting to get my mind wrapped around how you really succeed at weight loss. for me weight has always been a struggle whether i was skinny or chubby or even fat.. its been a struggle.. food and what i am or am not gonna eat is usually always on my mind.. the guilt that comes with eating more than i should is always there.. the guilt that i should have exercised is always there.. the thoughts of what is and is not allowed is always there.. the fear of the binge is always there.. the deep rooted sick thoughts of GOD i wish i was just anorexic so i didnt have to eat.. struggling with body image and weight is probably the hardest thing ever.. i envy people who are comfortable in their own skin.. who can put on an outfit and feel good instead of constantly worrying about how big their butt looks or if their huge ass bat wings are flying.. i would love to not obsess over the massive dark circles i have (which comes form all that OVER freaking thinking at night..).. so im taking a different approach this time.. instead of concentrating on which diet im gonna follow or what i can and cannot eat.. im just THINKING about what i eat and why im eating it.. and how i can improve.. im taking a break and really considering AM i HUNGRY? or DO I JUST LIKE THE WAY THAT TASTES?? i mean really for those that do not have a food addiction you do not realize that just the way a certain food FEELS in your mouth is a good enough reason to eat it.. im slowing down in the way i eat.. i eat so fast that at times im not even sure i taste my food.. its a habit and im trying to break it..im doing smaller portions.. like instead of a plate a bowl or a salad plate.. im waiting before eating seconds.. im really considering.. what is the real reason i want this.. im drinking more water.. yesterday i also bought a new tea pitcher (mine was all leaky and nasty) and i made tea for the family (decaff) and im gonna try very hard to wean my hubby off his coca cola addiction.. i know its sweet tea..but its got less sugar than coke in it! .. my kids love soft drinks and they are not good for you.. so im trying.. gettin some of that caffenine out of their diet.. and im doing the same.. i have a huge coffee addiction as well.. that for themoment is NOT being worked on.. lol.. but im gonna take a different look at my life and really think about things instead of jumping and doing them..
im also gonna start finding at least ONE thing i like on myself daily.. i dont care if its my earlobe is looking awful hot today.. ONE thing is gonna be good! im gonna stop downing myself in front of my kids and be more aware of the words i use to describe myself..
well work is calling my name.. and i know this wasnt funny or cute or anything..but its whats on my mind..and
what the voices are saying today!
so today my raging wild teenage girl is headed to see the Jonas Bros .. she is about to die with excitement however that excitement did not seem to cross her face when at 7 this am i was tellin her it was time to get up.. i was like its the big day..and she just kinda moaned and rolled over ..it was at this point that i realized unless Joe Jonas himself showed up in that room it was not gonna be an exciting morning.. finally they rolled out of bed and we headed out..
so its 9 am and ive already .. gotten gas, got them breakie, started to work, drank coffee, arranged to get tires tomorrow. and well i think its time for a break.. hence why im HERE! LOL
so who here is like me and has the 'im so tired i could die.. but my damn body wont fall asleep' syndrome? well thats me .. every single freaking night i get in bed.. i start watching damn George Lopez.. which i must add is a freaking hilarious show..if you never watch..catch it on Nick at Night at 10 & 1030.. (this is a NON paid advertisement lmao).. I GOT THIS!!!!!!!!! u have to watch the show to udnerstand.. so i play brickbreaker on the crackphone.. i smoke a cigarette.. i try to clear my mind.. empty my brain.. and BAM im wide the heck awake???!!! what is up with that?? i swear to you im not a real night owl.. im an old lady who gets tired as heck .. but soon as i hit the bed. in all its warmness and snuggleness.. im WIDE awake.. and dare i move.. cause my hubby would be very upset.. he has this thing that we need to always sleep in the same room! LOL (ok he loves me). so my brain starts to humming a million miles per hour.. i think about the clothes in the dryer, what time i need to get up, are the alarms set, what am i gonna cook for dinner, what do i have to do at work tomorrow, is the cat fed, are the sheets clean, is that a cricket i hear chirping outside, is there gonna be coffee in the morning, how fast can i lose 50 lbs, how i need to exercise, what am i gonna wear tomorrow, what shoes will match that, do i need to iron it, what needs cleaning, what needs putting away, are the kids packed for tomorrow, ......... and thats only a SMALL portion of my thoughts.. so tell me how do you cut the brain off? how do you make this stupid non stop race of life in my head go away?.. any tips.. cause if i count sheep all im gonna do is start naming those little suckers before long and omg.. we will be having conversations about the weather and what events are coming up and if we could have this or that for dinner this week..
its sad.. i swear to you .. maybe i need to keep a note book by my bed and take notes.. i swear in my head before i go to sleep i could accomplish MORE than a million tasks.. right from the comfort of my nice snuggly bed..too bad i dont have that magic samantha nose that i could wiggle and get it all done while its on my mind..
the even sadder part is.. i think all these things while im attempting to go to sleep ,.. but come the morning hell i cant find my keys.. much less think about what im gonna do! LOL.
on another note.. i am attempting to get my mind wrapped around how you really succeed at weight loss. for me weight has always been a struggle whether i was skinny or chubby or even fat.. its been a struggle.. food and what i am or am not gonna eat is usually always on my mind.. the guilt that comes with eating more than i should is always there.. the guilt that i should have exercised is always there.. the thoughts of what is and is not allowed is always there.. the fear of the binge is always there.. the deep rooted sick thoughts of GOD i wish i was just anorexic so i didnt have to eat.. struggling with body image and weight is probably the hardest thing ever.. i envy people who are comfortable in their own skin.. who can put on an outfit and feel good instead of constantly worrying about how big their butt looks or if their huge ass bat wings are flying.. i would love to not obsess over the massive dark circles i have (which comes form all that OVER freaking thinking at night..).. so im taking a different approach this time.. instead of concentrating on which diet im gonna follow or what i can and cannot eat.. im just THINKING about what i eat and why im eating it.. and how i can improve.. im taking a break and really considering AM i HUNGRY? or DO I JUST LIKE THE WAY THAT TASTES?? i mean really for those that do not have a food addiction you do not realize that just the way a certain food FEELS in your mouth is a good enough reason to eat it.. im slowing down in the way i eat.. i eat so fast that at times im not even sure i taste my food.. its a habit and im trying to break it..im doing smaller portions.. like instead of a plate a bowl or a salad plate.. im waiting before eating seconds.. im really considering.. what is the real reason i want this.. im drinking more water.. yesterday i also bought a new tea pitcher (mine was all leaky and nasty) and i made tea for the family (decaff) and im gonna try very hard to wean my hubby off his coca cola addiction.. i know its sweet tea..but its got less sugar than coke in it! .. my kids love soft drinks and they are not good for you.. so im trying.. gettin some of that caffenine out of their diet.. and im doing the same.. i have a huge coffee addiction as well.. that for themoment is NOT being worked on.. lol.. but im gonna take a different look at my life and really think about things instead of jumping and doing them..
im also gonna start finding at least ONE thing i like on myself daily.. i dont care if its my earlobe is looking awful hot today.. ONE thing is gonna be good! im gonna stop downing myself in front of my kids and be more aware of the words i use to describe myself..
well work is calling my name.. and i know this wasnt funny or cute or anything..but its whats on my mind..and
what the voices are saying today!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
ok any reason why ...
people think its funny or cute or even fun to make calls to people that are OBSCENE??? ok back history about 3 mos ago i started gettin obscene calls.. i mean at first i thought oh its a kid.. well they would call alot in one day then i wouldnt hear a word.. well it went away so i thought ok dumbass teenager got bored.. it was always a mans voice and he would try to like talk all into the phone and so his voice would be all messed up ..but it was a young voice. .finally one day i told them off and they stopped..
well yesterday i get another one.. and im not talking cute funny shit im talking nasty sexual stuff.. i hang up .. they called about 4 times and stopped.. i of course LOVE the iggy button on my crackberry..
so today they call again i answer very softly .. and i hear music playing and i just sit there..then a LADY's voice says hello.. so i say hello thinking ok..maybe this is someone who knows me.. and they are NASTY!..
ya know im so glad im wanted and needed and lusted after but i think its just nasty
so its a private number dont know if they are blockin it or if its really private.. call the cell company they cant do SHIT without a JUDGE ordering it to be unlocked.. and they only hold that info for about 2 weeks.. then its gone.. well what the HELL???
so im stuck..either change my number or tell them off again.. but iknow telling them off they will just laugh like the little pricks they are..
ya know it must be a pretty sad day in someones life when they have nothing better to do than harrass someone else.
go get a damn JOB!
ok.. so im wanted needed and things need to be done to me obviously..but STOP CALLING ME!!
and on a happy note..ive been good foodwise today and water.. 2 bottles down and only 2 1/2 cups of coffee! (well they are BIG cups...)
but i need tires.. so $*#$@*&... ya know when they invent everlasting oil, tires, gas and cars.. and disposable clothes ill be so happy!!!
back to work!
well yesterday i get another one.. and im not talking cute funny shit im talking nasty sexual stuff.. i hang up .. they called about 4 times and stopped.. i of course LOVE the iggy button on my crackberry..
so today they call again i answer very softly .. and i hear music playing and i just sit there..then a LADY's voice says hello.. so i say hello thinking ok..maybe this is someone who knows me.. and they are NASTY!..
ya know im so glad im wanted and needed and lusted after but i think its just nasty
so its a private number dont know if they are blockin it or if its really private.. call the cell company they cant do SHIT without a JUDGE ordering it to be unlocked.. and they only hold that info for about 2 weeks.. then its gone.. well what the HELL???
so im stuck..either change my number or tell them off again.. but iknow telling them off they will just laugh like the little pricks they are..
ya know it must be a pretty sad day in someones life when they have nothing better to do than harrass someone else.
go get a damn JOB!
ok.. so im wanted needed and things need to be done to me obviously..but STOP CALLING ME!!
and on a happy note..ive been good foodwise today and water.. 2 bottles down and only 2 1/2 cups of coffee! (well they are BIG cups...)
but i need tires.. so $*#$@*&... ya know when they invent everlasting oil, tires, gas and cars.. and disposable clothes ill be so happy!!!
back to work!
hmmm.. so i had this thought
so last night as i run around my house tripping over stuff and totally freaking out over all that really needs to be done.. i decided in my head that i would set up a blog site.. well its something ive wanted to do for awhile but i figure that nothing i have to say would really be very interesting to anyone.. but then again.. do i need to have anythign to say for anyone else to read anyway?? no its for me..
ya see im an over thinker..yes im a list maker.. im a heart breaker.. lmao.. gosh pat benatar got in my head for a moment.. seriously.. i suffer from adult add im more than sure and i think about everythign all the time...and at this moment in my life i have SOO many things on my mind i gotta get it out..
for most of my life ive struggled with my weight..even when i was skinny i thought i was fat and would exercise like a mad woman.. not eat then over eat.. pick and eat in silence and in secret.. i loved the taste of food and i loved eating.. im sure it comes from a time in my life when i didnt have much.. however when i was younger i guess i ran it all off and didnt really struggle b/c for sure what i thought was FAT and UGLY .. boy was i MISTAKEN! LOL.. after i had Luke i got the weight off then slowly it crept back..not alot but it crept..then i had mandy.. got it off some but not alot..but after haley all hell broke loose..
in 2003-2005 i lost almost all of it and was happy as a pig in a puddle of mud! yep that was me.. wallowing around.. gettin all muddy and dirty and enjoying the coolness of that mud.. loving how my skin felt .. loving how the hot rays of the sun couldnt burn me anymore..but like that piggy i was still looking for that next meal.. and well got happy fell in love and guess what?? oh yea .. gained 25 lbs back.. the only thing is i hate it.. i hate it worse than when i had 75 lbs to lose..and its a constant struggle.. my body could stay where im at right now forever and i hate it..
i despise lookin in the mirror.. i hate trying on clothes.. i try to buy things that will cover me up ..hide me and keep in invisible.. i find myself lookin at bland boring stuff instead of what who i really am.. loud and bright and noticable.. i struggle daily with the depression of hating who ive become and lettin it rule my life.. i feel as though my day is one guilty pleasure then feeling after another.. i have lost sight of the REAL reason to even become healthy!
ive lost that loving feeling.. ooooooo.. that loving feeling... ive lost that loving feeling .. now its gone .. gone .. gone.... ooooo...oooo... yea i feel like ive lost part of me.. and i want it back..
and thats my motivation for this blog... to get those feelings out that i supress those feelings that the WORLD thinks is totally 100% bonkers and to just let it roll..
writing is good for the soul and i used to do it all the time.. i had a journal i kept..and ive always bewen the queen of letter writing.. if in doubt.. ask my mom or dad! LOL.. or better yet.. ask my husband.. i express myself better in words on "paper" than out of my mouth!
so beware.. sometimes it may seem silly.. sometimes it may seem sad.. sometimes it may seem happy.. but i promise you.. that if you read and if i continue.. you too will be saying.. what are the voices saying today???
ya see im an over thinker..yes im a list maker.. im a heart breaker.. lmao.. gosh pat benatar got in my head for a moment.. seriously.. i suffer from adult add im more than sure and i think about everythign all the time...and at this moment in my life i have SOO many things on my mind i gotta get it out..
for most of my life ive struggled with my weight..even when i was skinny i thought i was fat and would exercise like a mad woman.. not eat then over eat.. pick and eat in silence and in secret.. i loved the taste of food and i loved eating.. im sure it comes from a time in my life when i didnt have much.. however when i was younger i guess i ran it all off and didnt really struggle b/c for sure what i thought was FAT and UGLY .. boy was i MISTAKEN! LOL.. after i had Luke i got the weight off then slowly it crept back..not alot but it crept..then i had mandy.. got it off some but not alot..but after haley all hell broke loose..
in 2003-2005 i lost almost all of it and was happy as a pig in a puddle of mud! yep that was me.. wallowing around.. gettin all muddy and dirty and enjoying the coolness of that mud.. loving how my skin felt .. loving how the hot rays of the sun couldnt burn me anymore..but like that piggy i was still looking for that next meal.. and well got happy fell in love and guess what?? oh yea .. gained 25 lbs back.. the only thing is i hate it.. i hate it worse than when i had 75 lbs to lose..and its a constant struggle.. my body could stay where im at right now forever and i hate it..
i despise lookin in the mirror.. i hate trying on clothes.. i try to buy things that will cover me up ..hide me and keep in invisible.. i find myself lookin at bland boring stuff instead of what who i really am.. loud and bright and noticable.. i struggle daily with the depression of hating who ive become and lettin it rule my life.. i feel as though my day is one guilty pleasure then feeling after another.. i have lost sight of the REAL reason to even become healthy!
ive lost that loving feeling.. ooooooo.. that loving feeling... ive lost that loving feeling .. now its gone .. gone .. gone.... ooooo...oooo... yea i feel like ive lost part of me.. and i want it back..
and thats my motivation for this blog... to get those feelings out that i supress those feelings that the WORLD thinks is totally 100% bonkers and to just let it roll..
writing is good for the soul and i used to do it all the time.. i had a journal i kept..and ive always bewen the queen of letter writing.. if in doubt.. ask my mom or dad! LOL.. or better yet.. ask my husband.. i express myself better in words on "paper" than out of my mouth!
so beware.. sometimes it may seem silly.. sometimes it may seem sad.. sometimes it may seem happy.. but i promise you.. that if you read and if i continue.. you too will be saying.. what are the voices saying today???
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